(This piece is more than inspired by this funny piece in McSweeneys called “I Am Using My Free Time To Not Write My Novel” by Scott Bolohan)

They say the best way to not deepen your yoga practice is to not practice everyday. Everyday when you wake up is the best time to not practice– simply hop on Instagram instead. But as we join the multitudes in this never-ending quarantine, I have begun to worry that my newfound lack of ability to go anywhere or do anything is going to seriously get in the way of me not deepening my practice.

Ever since I discovered Netflix, coconut milk ice cream and Instastories I have felt destined to not deepen my practice. Of course I had this burning desire to master handstands and for self-realization, but I did the work — and I held it all in. When I needed to, I left my mat for other pursuits.

But now? Sheltered in place it’s getting harder than ever to find the distractions to not deepen my practice. I’m the closest I’ve ever been to giving up, throwing my mat down and busting out a triangle pose. Sometimes I open the window and start to breathe actual air and then all of a sudden I’m saluting the sun in the kitchen before I stop myself — to think I almost failed and practiced. And truthfully, that is a practice and it counts– that one sun salute! — so just thank god I have Instagram to stop me and keep me on track. (Social media seems like it was invented to suck all your time away and prevent you from practicing let alone deepening your practice, which is awesome, btw).

But beware! Sometimes I think I am back on track for not deepening my practice because I’m faithfully scrolling through Instagram, but then my yoga friends will post stuff that makes me– despite my commitment– want to practice.

No one said not deepening your practice during a pandemic was going to be easy.

On the toughest days I cannot let go of this desire to feel alive, to feel my soul wake up. But no matter how tough the obstacle, I power through not deepening my practice. At my worst, I will allow a few seated breaths, some sun salutes or maybe the most basic essential postures or god if it’s really bad– a half primary–and hope for dear life that this weakness doesn’t get in the way of me not deepening my practice. I force myself to say hey, all you did was ten minutes so it doesn’t count, or it was just half your postures so it doesn’t count, or you went too fast or too slow or too distracted so it doesn’t count, so I can feel like I haven’t sabotaged my goal of not deepening my practice.

Tell yourself it’s ok.

Not deepening your practice in a trying time is hard. I mean, just getting up and breathing and being aware of your breath can count as deepening your practice, not to mention five minutes, so give yourself a break. Deepening your practice has the sneaky way of happening– whether you’re on your mat investing in sweat and hours, or simply trying to maintain “equanimity of mind” (Zoe Ward @unrulyscetic) while your seven-year old has a meltdown and you’re on a deadline.

It’s daunting how many ways there are to easily deepen your practice, so be careful. If it were easy to not deepen your practice, everyone would not do it. I mean gosh, the way this time will change your relationship to practice, the way you’ll look back on it–no matter how you slice it, whether this time means you’re progressing through advanced series, learning to practice at home alone, or barely holding yourself together while your little ones push all the damn buttons:

If all else fails, go back to bed– Try to wake up and not practice tomorrow.

Good luck.

This blog is an homage-y rip -off of the piece 

“A Guide to Social Distancing for Freelancers” By Amy Collier, published March 13, 2020 in Mcsweeneys 

Social Distance is a strategy officials have employed to slow the spread of Covid-19. Social Distance is also a strategy ashtanga practitioners have employed for years to avoid interacting with other people outside of brunch (also known as Mysore self-practice). So, change next to nothing. You can still do your yoga practice and avoid other people in the process.

Do not suddenly turn into someone who attends a Shala, parties, concerts, dinner reservations at 8pm or large events like “Carol’s 35th birthday party” that would force you to drive somewhere, talk to other people, and worse– keep you out past 8pm. Carry on conducting most of your friendships through text and instagram messaging. Post a variety of medically questionable questions on the ashtanga home practice page on facebook, like “is it ok to start second series alone now that Covid 19 is here” and “can we just talk about supta kurmasana because I need a support group, ok” or just “like” and “love” all the posts of dogs photobombing other people’s home practice and, of course, the memes. 

By all means, do not attend a mysore class– not even on ZOOM. Not because the idea of practice with other people looking at your crotch in dwi pada leaves you feeling overwhelmed and anxious, but because the CDC asked you not to. We don’t know if cooties can be spread via ZOOM or if hacking just means drawings of male genitalia, but better safe than sorry.

It’s called Ahimsa.

You’re simply doing your yogic duty by doing what you’ve always done– alone. There are a few approved new activities, like attempting third series arm balances (you’ve always wanted them and who’s gonna stop you huh?), fast counting in navasana, knitting crochet yoga sutras/swear words, learning Shakira’s Superbowl choreography and spending lots of time on your phone searching the terms “Kino” and “every pose you’ve ever wondered how to do.” 

They say “True Yoga is discovered alone” so… Keep up the good work.

Continue the quarantine you began years ago when you decided first to practice some really weird yoga like ashtanga, and then weirder like an ashtanga practice home alone, so deep in the weird that you find yourself in your own personal well with your legs behind your head. However, you wanted to be stuck this way, and, alas, a rescue would be too risky under CDC Covid-19 guidelines. In the words of Sharath:

“YOU STOP THERE!” 

Your self-imposed practice quarantine is suddenly a boon to society. Just pretend as if you’re an introvert who chose a yoga practice specifically designed for social distancing, or pretend the anxiety you experience about being seen doing your yoga practice in public, or about holes in your crotch, or about performing incorrect vinyasa, or about a teacher asking you to lift up from karandavasana or catch — pretend that those anxieties have always existed and that you’ve had to develop coping strategies, like making your life one where you rarely practice yoga with other people. Now you can blame your Emily-Dickinsonian/Sadhu self-exile on a pandemic, rather than your personal demons.

If you must attend a ZOOM, remind people to stay 6 feet away from you at all times — because the camera angle on you from that distance is way better. You may also turn off your video so they cannot see you when the count is too slow (utplutihih), the postures you hate appear, or when the mood strikes for illegal mysore room flourishes (see David Robson IG for a full list). A public health crisis is no time for them to invade your personal practice.

It’s sacred. 

Instead, at these junctures mute yourself and yell “WHO’S YOUR DADDY NOW” as you throw in handstands or go pee while some teacher purportedly counts to “10” in utplutihih in the time any normal human could count to 387: 

The ZOOM mysore room is simply there to hold space for whatever comes up. 

So pee.

As usual, leave your home only for essentials like post-practice coffee or Friday curbside pizza. When you do go out, restrict your interactions with others as much as possible, kind of like you’ve done for the last ten years, as your yoga practice requires you to eat earlier than most adults under 80 and go to sleep at the same time as most newborns. 

Wear your headphones when out to signal that conversation is not desired —  just gluten-free crackers and castor oil. Your excuse to be rude? PANDEMIC. You are here simply to buy your essential oils, bring them back home, and then leave that home as little as possible until the next time you need to instaphoto the full moon or eat pizza or buy epsom salts, tape for your sorry-looking toes and don’t forget the ghee!

Continue to not go to the doctor. Do you have yoga-related medical woes like hips made out of hemp seed husks and duct tape?

You’ve got strangers on the Ashtanga Home practice facebook page for that —

not to mention google and raw ACV.  

Finally, wash your mat more. Although it certainly doesn’t hurt health-wise to clean your mat frequently, this has little to do with COVID-19. It’s called saucha. And sure, no one can smell you or your mat, but come on. It’s been like under your hands, snot, sweat and dog paws forever. And get a new shirt– 

Even from ZOOM, we can tell it (and your dwi pada) stinks.

this post inspired by the comic humor queen @butlikemaybe on INSTA and her post “Types of People in Quarantine”

1. THE BRAGITUDE

OMG you guys, just look at this screenshot post of the sixty-seven thousand million gorgeous beautiful people in this unconsented gallery screen shot of my ZOOM class. AMAZING.

OMG my heart is like so full you guys. SO thankful.

#gratitude #bragitude #blessed #self-promotion #maskedmarketing

*shout out to Sean Haleen who predicted the ZOOM screenshot as overtaking the savasana photo bomb

2. THE INSTALIVE ALLTHETIME YOGI:

@imliveagainyogi started a LIVE video…..

HELLLOOOOOO ROCKSTARS!!! I’m going LIVE on insta! 
did insta notify you I’m Live! 
Got kicked off for too much time well I’m LIVE again!
@imliveagain started a LIVE video
I’m LIVE again! 
Still alive LIVE, are my LIVE notifications annoying you love LIVE?
LET ME SEE YOUR FACE ON THE SCREEN LIVE
WAVE AT ME TO SHOW YOU’RE ALIVE 
@imaliveaganyoi started a live video
is anyone else LIVE?

3. THE POSITIVE VIBES ONLY

So the world is ending, but that just means another world is opening right? 

Be positive. Let’s all work on staying positive. It is scientific-ish fact: Pandemics don’t like good vibes; they positively hate positive vibes.  

We need more positivity in this world. 
Only send out positive vibes at this time. 
Positive vibes only. 

DID YOU HEAR ME STAY POSITIVE OR ELSE

#positivity #positivevibesonly #goodvibrations #positivelypositive #washyourhandsofnegativevibes #killcoronawithpositivevibesvaccine

4. THE ESSENTIALLY OILY SANITIZER

ONGUARD! Doterra Onguard! 

When things don’t go as planned, I like to reach for my Juniper, Frankincense and Lavender blend, but these days I’m HOSING everyone and everything within a 6-foot radius with my stockpile of Doterra Onguard. The dogs love it! It’s even good sprayed on top of smoothie bowls. What’s your go-to de stressor?

XOXO, The ESSENTIALLY OILY (link in bio)

5. THE BRAND AMBASSADOR APOCALYPSE 

It’s a beautiful day to be alive in your home alone wearing swimwear in a yoga pose selling stuff on the gram while separated from all your friends!  

And this BORA BORA TUSHY BUM CREAM SCENTⓇ is what we need a little more in this time, loves! There so much to live for (and who doesn’t love a yummy scented bum bum?). I’m so humbled and thrilled and positively tickled to be a yummy BUMBUMⓇ partner, the first to try their new APRES BIDET BUM BUMⓇ spritz. Like all YUMMY BUMBUMⓇ scents, this spritz positively boosts those immunity cells by making your bumbum happy!!!* And it’s GF and vegan too!*
Link in Bio. 

*These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA or CDC
*PETA disagrees
https://www.instagram.com/p/B-rdYT4DLAS/

https://www.instagram.com/p/B-rdYT4DLAS/

6. THE CORONA CORE SHREDDER

If you don’t use this time to lockdown that six-pack,  you’re not taking self care seriously.

#onlysickthinghereistheseabs #apocalypseabs #endofdayseightpackwhoswithme

7. THE WHOLEFOODS HOARDER

I have all the ORGANIC PALEO KETO WHOLE30™ APPROVED GF FOODS. ALL the GF crackers. ALL the unsweetened paleo-approved carrageenan-free almond milk. 

I BOUGHT IT ALL. Been stockpiling this bunker for years. 

#paleopandemicpantryprepper #whole30hoarder #KETOCORONA #takeyourTPandshoveit

8. THE ZOOM HUSTLER 

Fresh photos with the bomb lighting–  On ZOOM! Here’s a code, a password — to a pranayama flow a chill flow a fast flow a power flow an arm balance flow vinyasa, a splits flow an ashtanga flow a kundalini flow a kid flow a five minute tutorial a 30-minute crow flow and end of the world as we know it flow a new normal flow…. I got what you need what you want flow.

9. THE LONGTIME ASHTANGA HOME PRACTITIONER 

What, like it’s hard?

10. THE ASTROLOGER:

The time is now, can you feel the shift? Times of uncertainty anchor times to our cosmic center at home, your own personal cardboard tube at the center of your hoarded toilet paper roll. All living things bliss in your living room. Navigate consciousness sanitizer, belonging to the web of hand-washed modalities sheltered in place. 

Sonic sanitization. 
Roots Roost. 
Full moon, furloughed.
Mercury, masked. 
Did I say abundance yet, of toilet paper in dreams, say you’re a Taurus aren’t you?

Here is the equation: HOARD + TP = NOW
and Coronavirus Chakra Cleanse with me on Insta Live!

11. THE STAY AT HOME MOM YOGA TEACHER TRYING TO TEACH ON ZOOM FEED HER KIDS HANDLE HOMESCHOOL AND WORK ANOTHER JOB: 

Help.

#thatsnotafacemaskthatsawhiteflag

12. THE PIOUS LITTLE SHIT DEEPENING HIS PRACTICE 

“Does it feel good to stand on my insta stage with 500-pound tigers and everybody envy you? Absolutely.”

#tigerkingofquarantineyogi #underhiseye

Dear Yogis: The current situation is rapidly evolving, and here we are, practicing yoga home alone with our own dust bunnies and rolled sock props. While you’re at it, here is a list of additional cancellations in our yoga world due to the pandemic (and may some of these NEVER COME BACK):

1. Rolling Up One Vertebrae at a Time. Yeah, the world is ending and we’re riled up on insta yogi grammar. For the last damn time, rolling up “One Vertebrae at a time is canceled.” Rolling up one vertebra at a time, however, remains available for curbside delivery.
   
2. Juicy assists. Honestly, we’re not sure if they ever were juicy, but there is no literal or metaphorical juicing via ZOOM. Kinda amazing how even before Corona put us on lockdown the first thing to go were these needless assists. Consider this juice-free practice part of the new normal– Why bring them back? (Creepy assists, unconsented assists, thoughtless assembly-line assists, new teacher-touch-crazy assists, invasive assists, “sexual assault disguised as assists” all remain canceled, Covid or not.)
   
3. Giving all your power away to a teacher. You just try taking it over ZOOM, ok boomer?
   
4. Communal Yoga Mats and Props. Someone’s hands, feet, sweat, ujjayi heavy breathing, runny nose has been on that mat you PAID TO BORROW. Do you see that sweaty ass print ingrained on the mat’s surface? What’s wrong with you? That goes for blocks and straps too. We don’t know how these foam blocks and torture straps streaked with sweat got um forgotten in the land of disgusting human body fluid bacteria sharing, but if you think mats are gross at least we pretended to friggin clean those (ha as if!). But the bacteria bonanza blocks? Never. There ain’t enough lavender oil and clorox in the world to clean the spores on these suckers. No Mas. Communal Cooties: CANCELED.
   
5. Canceling yoga poses. Look, unless your teacher is a dogmatic a-hole, the poses are not all required, ever, so you don’t need to cancel any of them. Practicing and teaching with awareness, compassion and an individualized approach, however, remain copacetic under social distancing recommendations.
   
6. Yoga solely for the young, hot and beach-bound butt-selfie worthy. Now that we’re all home practitioners, suffice it to say the cat’s out of the bag: you can do yoga with cellulite, without fancy clothes, with any size of butt cheeks. For so long one would think yoga could only be performed by slim, gazellian white women on the beaches of Santorini. Thanks to Covid-19, we now know that anyone can do triangle pose at home alone in their sweatpants in Pittsburg. Yoga as exclusively the province of the hot-privileged is canceled.
   
7. Taking photos of students in savasana. Taking advantage of your students in vulnerable positions for your self promotions is FORKING CANCELED, Amber Ahimsa. PS, if your teacher does snag a zoom of you in savasana, you have permission to draw male genitalia across the screen in your next zoom meeting.
   
8. Telling students, with a laugh, that “if you touch your neighbor, it’s good luck” OR “just give them a love tap or a high five.”  IT IS NOT OK TO HAVE YOUR FOOT IN MY ARMPIT, SHARON or an inch from my mouth, MARK– During corona, or ever. (For the record, I never liked having your skull roll into mine during Garbha Pindasana during led class, either.) 
   
9. Positive vibes only. Now is the time to hold space for varied vibes, from good to not so good. We cannot be positive vibes all the time– What do we look like, dogs? No! We’re humans in lockdown, shelter in place, quarantine and crisis, so we’re stocking up on all the vibes, thank you.
   
10. YTT Puppy Mills. Speaking of Dogs…..Two people in YTT for every teacher? Canceled. Zoom can only take so much more of this, okay? The best way to deepen your practice is not a $3000 YTT but, as always, practicing daily on your mat.