This blog is an homage-y rip -off of the piece
Social Distance is a strategy officials have employed to slow the spread of Covid-19. Social Distance is also a strategy ashtanga practitioners have employed for years to avoid interacting with other people outside of brunch (also known as Mysore self-practice). So, change next to nothing. You can still do your yoga practice and avoid other people in the process.
Do not suddenly turn into someone who attends a Shala, parties, concerts, dinner reservations at 8pm or large events like “Carol’s 35th birthday party” that would force you to drive somewhere, talk to other people, and worse– keep you out past 8pm. Carry on conducting most of your friendships through text and instagram messaging. Post a variety of medically questionable questions on the ashtanga home practice page on facebook, like “is it ok to start second series alone now that Covid 19 is here” and “can we just talk about supta kurmasana because I need a support group, ok” or just “like” and “love” all the posts of dogs photobombing other people’s home practice and, of course, the memes.
By all means, do not attend a mysore class– not even on ZOOM. Not because the idea of practice with other people looking at your crotch in dwi pada leaves you feeling overwhelmed and anxious, but because the CDC asked you not to. We don’t know if cooties can be spread via ZOOM or if hacking just means drawings of male genitalia, but better safe than sorry.
It’s called Ahimsa.
You’re simply doing your yogic duty by doing what you’ve always done– alone. There are a few approved new activities, like attempting third series arm balances (you’ve always wanted them and who’s gonna stop you huh?), fast counting in navasana, knitting crochet yoga sutras/swear words, learning Shakira’s Superbowl choreography and spending lots of time on your phone searching the terms “Kino” and “every pose you’ve ever wondered how to do.”
They say “True Yoga is discovered alone” so… Keep up the good work.
Continue the quarantine you began years ago when you decided first to practice some really weird yoga like ashtanga, and then weirder like an ashtanga practice home alone, so deep in the weird that you find yourself in your own personal well with your legs behind your head. However, you wanted to be stuck this way, and, alas, a rescue would be too risky under CDC Covid-19 guidelines. In the words of Sharath:
Your self-imposed practice quarantine is suddenly a boon to society. Just pretend as if you’re an introvert who chose a yoga practice specifically designed for social distancing, or pretend the anxiety you experience about being seen doing your yoga practice in public, or about holes in your crotch, or about performing incorrect vinyasa, or about a teacher asking you to lift up from karandavasana or catch — pretend that those anxieties have always existed and that you’ve had to develop coping strategies, like making your life one where you rarely practice yoga with other people. Now you can blame your Emily-Dickinsonian/Sadhu self-exile on a pandemic, rather than your personal demons.
If you must attend a ZOOM, remind people to stay 6 feet away from you at all times — because the camera angle on you from that distance is way better. You may also turn off your video so they cannot see you when the count is too slow (utplutihih), the postures you hate appear, or when the mood strikes for illegal mysore room flourishes (see David Robson IG for a full list). A public health crisis is no time for them to invade your personal practice.
It’s sacred.
Instead, at these junctures mute yourself and yell “WHO’S YOUR DADDY NOW” as you throw in handstands or go pee while some teacher purportedly counts to “10” in utplutihih in the time any normal human could count to 387:
The ZOOM mysore room is simply there to hold space for whatever comes up.
So pee.
As usual, leave your home only for essentials like post-practice coffee or Friday curbside pizza. When you do go out, restrict your interactions with others as much as possible, kind of like you’ve done for the last ten years, as your yoga practice requires you to eat earlier than most adults under 80 and go to sleep at the same time as most newborns.
Wear your headphones when out to signal that conversation is not desired — just gluten-free crackers and castor oil. Your excuse to be rude? PANDEMIC. You are here simply to buy your essential oils, bring them back home, and then leave that home as little as possible until the next time you need to instaphoto the full moon or eat pizza or buy epsom salts, tape for your sorry-looking toes and don’t forget the ghee!
Continue to not go to the doctor. Do you have yoga-related medical woes like hips made out of hemp seed husks and duct tape?
You’ve got strangers on the Ashtanga Home practice facebook page for that —
not to mention google and raw ACV.
Finally, wash your mat more. Although it certainly doesn’t hurt health-wise to clean your mat frequently, this has little to do with COVID-19. It’s called saucha. And sure, no one can smell you or your mat, but come on. It’s been like under your hands, snot, sweat and dog paws forever. And get a new shirt–
Even from ZOOM, we can tell it (and your dwi pada) stinks.