(Inspired by Bobbie Armstrong’s funny mcsweeney’s piece) Growing up on Instagram yoga, my influencers always taught me one thing: Be hot. They also told me to follow my dreams, assuming I was naked in them. That if I changed my mind I could change the world, as long as I used hashtags. That I shouldn’t just stretch because I could also achieve world peace if I meditated on my head with mala beads, as long as my butt cheeks were visible. They added that it helps to be hot. And to show butt cheeks (already said, but it bears repeating). They’re kinda important.
Last month I was a miserable recent 200hr TT grad sweating my butt cheeks off in multiple classes a week telling people to roll up one bone spur at a time and other science-y words, the definitions of which I won’t even pretend to know. Also, I spent 4K on a teacher training only to get “a job” teaching for free, so I was forced to subsist on paleo GF snacks and coconut water scraps found in other people’s cubbies at the studio. But now? I couldn’t be happier selling and leading Yoga Teacher Trainer Trainings To Train Other People How To Teach Other People How To Teach Yoga (YTTTTYTYt™) along with yoga products that sound cool and are really expensive (like my exclusive Bramacharya™ pants)
When I told my friends I’d met in the YTT three weeks before that I was leaving to sell yoga teacher trainer trainings to instagram followers and emotional support animals, they were aghast. They asked lame questions like, “How are you going to pay for yoga pants?” and “How can you teach something you don’t even do and know next to nothing about and… wasn’t your first yoga class ever like three weeks ago on Day 1 of our YTT?” And also, “Emotional Support Hedgehogs don’t have butt cheeks, do they?”
Yo! Haven’t you learned anything from Instagram? Since when does anyone care if yoga teachers actually do any yoga? People just care if you’ve been trained to teach it, and if you can like do it (ish) on Instagram with visible butt cheeks. It doesn’t even matter who your teacher is, they just care that you attended some TT somewhere (even online!) And that you have butt cheeks.
Plus, I’m killin’ it. The yoga industry is this bazillion dollar thing, but that money goes to yoga pants, companies that make yoga pants, and Teacher Trainings or maybe yoga CEOS (all I know is doesn’t go to people who practice and teach yoga–duh, in that case, people would just practice and study and maybe teach yoga.) I always knew how lucrative the yoga world was for everyone aside from practitioners and plain old teachers but no one would listen to me because they stupidly wanted to spend time doing actual yoga and teaching actual humans (and not even on instagram!) for like negative dollars. Well, they can laugh all they want, getting paid lots of karma and zero bucks for donation classes and for all those pants they’re selling for the studio, because I just banked serious Venmo bucks selling diamond-encrusted vegan leopard print yoga mats with matching leopard print pants with signature paw print crotch to every single emotional support hedgehog team and custom BRAIN SCAN THERAPY user enrolled in my TTTTTYTYt™ Yoga Teacher Training Trainer Supreme.
I go to sleep every night knowing I am doing more good now that I ever would have with Doctors Without Borders.
My TTTTTYTYt™ are designed with the finest teaching materials sourced from google searches all over the internet and social media– even Tik Tok. There is no butt cheek-clad human or hedgehog I cannot make a teacher trainer out of. Or butt print pants for.
When I was first getting started, I felt so alone. I said to my mentor, the magnificent maker of custom spiked jump ropes for Crossfit trainers and accompanying Crossfit Coach Coaching Coacher Coachella Trainings, Spiky Meatyster, “What if the yoga people/hedgehogs don’t like my yoga teacher training trainer trainings and accompanying see-through vibrating lace yoga pants?”
Know what he said?
“You don’t need to ask people who practice yoga for their permission to be who you really are– or who you aren’t at all. Create the TTTTTYTYt™ to TRAIN OTHER PEOPLE TO TEACH OTHER PEOPLE HOW TO DO YOGA. The people/hedgehogs will come. Jade-encrusted yoga pants will help. Oh, and that you have a partner who will support you if this goes belly up. Oh — and butt cheeks.
Those are the words I live by. Today, I’m a millionaire. All from selling TTTTTYTYt™ to everyone and their emotional support hedgehogs (and peacocks now too) on Instagram for $9,637 along with 14K gold yoga pants outfitted with vibrating bluetooth sensor alignment (for 3 installment payments of $208. Each.)
Butt cheeks have been key.
Are you feeling burned out from teaching yoga? Broke from teaching for free or 20 classes a week and still not making enough to live? Do you wake up wishing you could spend your days doing something other than getting taken advantage of? Or perhaps you even wish you’d never have to do a downward dog or backbend again? Do you still wonder, what ANGLE SHOULD MY ELBOWS BE AT IN CHATTURANGA … Do you have butt cheeks?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, my TTTTTYTYt™ is for you! All you have to do? Stop practicing, studying and teaching yoga and just train other people how to train other people how to train people to teach other people how to do the yoga!!!!! For just a heap of CASH & likes, I will unfurl the secrets to training other teacher training trainers how to train other people how to train others how to teach yoga. Honestly, you’ll be so busy helping others teach others to “deepen their practice” that won’t have time to study or teach any yoga yourself again!
Alec Malasanadharma from Nosara, Costa Rica, just made his first $100k training yoga teacher training trainers how to teach other people to train other people to teach yoga with accompanying sea turtle mentorship program and jade-encrusted yoga pants and Astrological readings. Not having to practice or teach a gazillion classes everyday means all his “CERTIFIED TRAINING TRAINER” time is spent teaching other people how to teach other people how to do the yoga that he doesn’t do or teach anymore!
@YogaGirl7734952 from Kodiak, Alaska made $10k in her first month selling online yoga teacher trainer training seminars to arctic yoga teachers and an assortment of seals. She can finally afford to eat! Also, she’s so glad she’ll never have to use MindBody again.
Selena is making $1500 a day selling Instastory Yoga Teacher Training Trainer Program Bites to lots of people who just want to get their hands on her leather yoga pants with faux fur crotches. She’ll never worry about becoming an “advanced” yogi again– she just needs to look like it on instagram! What angle should her elbows should be at in chaturanga? Selena doesn’t care! She’s too busy teaching other people how to teach chatturanga on an Instastory to ever do it herself! “Phew! Thanks BSYogacheeks769, you’re a goddess!”
Why put off till tomorrow what you could do today?*
Xoxox,
@BSYogacheeks769
*Butt cheeks required
___
** This piece inspired by https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-turned-my-passion-into-my-dream-job-and-now-i-sell-small-hats-to-iguanas-on-instagram