New Yoga Study Released

A recent study has shown that if American yoga teachers read one more click-bait article about yoga they will go fucking batshit crazy.

The study was conducted by Jane Tuckernot, a professor of behavioral psychology at George Washington University and author of zero articles, blogs or books because, Tuckernot insists, another piece on yoga would just be inhumane, particularly for teacher training graduates and even herself (given the comments she would invariably have to wade through). Over an eight week period, Tuckernot interviewed one hundred and nine yoga teachers about their reaction to articles that begin with a benign and cutesy expressed desire to help, followed or preceded by a compelling anecdote about a yogi’s discovery that he could get injured/healed/seriously fucked up/magically transformed into a unicorn by using his physical body on a yoga mat, segue into a list of “5 proven facts” or “ten alignment cues” concerning five or ten beneficial or negative things about yoga, peppered with quotes from doctors, physical therapists and Reiki masters emboldened with “wink wink” you-know-I-know-everything-and-I’m-just-trying-to enlighten-you-fools asides, and end with another cheery to dismal anecdote about the yogi, neatly tied into a confounding inconclusive conclusion formulated with at least three of the following eight terms: joy, compassion, love, birds, trees, vibration, Omega Institute, and sukha.

“I wasn’t looking to prove there was too much of this content,” Tuckernot said – “that’s obvious. Duh.” She continued, “I’m a psychologist, not a statistician. Only one piece of this interested me – the fucking batshit crazy part.”

Her study was focused on yoga teachers in American “yoga hub” cities, such as San Francisco, Washington D.C. and New York, but her findings were echoed by yoga teachers across the country and beyond — from bumblefuck towns to the beaches of Tulum and Costa Rica, and, disturbingly, implicated not just yoga teachers but students– including those just in it for the “ass.” (In addition to the 109 teachers, Tuckernot widened her focus to include 109 yoga pracitioners.)

Alicia Morris, a thirty-seven year old math teacher, mother of two and recent teacher training graduate recounted the day she read a blog entitled “everything you’ve learned about chaturanga in your teacher training is wrong”—that accurately described everything she’d just ingested in her ≥200hr Yoga Rainbow Alliance credited TT. “I’d just taught my first real class, telling everyone that their elbows should be at a precise 90-degree angle, so I almost lost it reading the very opposite.” Ms. Morris marched up to the leader of her teacher training, studio owner Kaley Olson, and asked: “so which is right? What is the precise mathematical angle you are forming with your arms, and if it is a right angle, can you calculate the sine of the hypotenuse?” Ms. Olson, after admitting that she doesn’t do chaturanga much because she is too busy leading teacher trainings teaching other people how to teach it, closed her eyes and recited a Rumi quote:

Beyond our ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing,

there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”

“Ok,” Morris said, growing agitated. “When? Should I do chaturangas with my elbows at a 90-degree angle when I get there?” And where exactly is this field?”

Ms. Olson responded with an address that turned out to be the site for an “Essential Oils” party she was hosting. There she finally offered a “solution” – specifically, “SERENZEN” — a custom blend of lavender and vanilla oils designed to help Morris find, conveniently, both serenity and zen.

Morris believes this was when she officially lost it; indeed she has no idea how much time passed before she realized she was buck naked in child’s pose in the kiddie pool. When she finally came to in GWU’s psych ward, her husband, Clive, presented her with Ms. Tuckernot’s findings. “I was so relieved,” Ms. Morris recalled. “I turned to my husband and said, ‘oh, I was just going fucking batshit crazy.’”

Jayden “Hari Om” Thomas, a twenty-eight year old EFG-YRRT-RCYT-√5,267° yoga teacher and IT consultant detailed his journey with tucking and not tucking. Mr. Thomas grew so confused reading conflicting research about the tucktroversy that he took to performing Michael Jackson’s pelvis thrusting moves — with the help of his Nintendo Wii — just to ensure that his pelvis enjoyed an equal amount of time in both positions. As for teaching, Mr. Thomas temporarily solved his problems by avoiding teaching anything at all in his classes. “I’d lay on my back and roll around, avoid eye contact, and offer only the most basic physical directions like ‘left’ or ‘breathe.’ Funny, it was my most popular class– even though I had no idea what happened in there.”

Problems came to a head when Mr. Thomas delved into his Facebook account upon the recommendation of his Abundant Empowering Sacred Universe Passion to Cash-in™ Coach. In one sitting, he recalls, “I read an article detailing the nefarious demons unleashed by headstand, including degenerative arthritis and retinal tears and thus the need to avoid operating heavy machinery within 48 hours after performing headstand and to always carry a wooden stake. The next minute, “I’m perusing a blog a student posted to my wall touting the “10 miraculous health effects” of the same posture.

Thomas called a “headstand” meeting of his yogi friends, where things went from weird to fucking cookoo. “The ashtangi muttered something about bandhas and floated away. The Bikramite told me ‘pulling is the object of stretching.’ The ex-anusari insisted I melt my heart at precisely -218.4oC. The Instagram star showed me her selfie in a bikini in a handstand in the snow in the middle of a four-lane highway during an earthquake with the caption #listentoyourbody. My Iyengar buddy got into headstand and stayed there the entire meeting. The yoga blogger added that I should not just listen to my body but interview it, transcribe it, turn both into a blog, and then a series of podcasts, finally culminating in a 2015 Instagram challenge complete with custom-made burnout t-shirts:’#let’sgetheadstandsexyin2015.’ The vinyasa teacher advised, ‘Be a unicorn.'”

“Ok,” I said — “what comes first? The podcast or the unicorn?”

Thomas has no memory of what happened next. When he woke, he was with Ms. Morris in Tuckernot’s rehab program, along with Ms. Bree Steinroy, a thirty-five year old interior designer and former yoga studio student.

Ms. Steinroy just wanted to learn. But then she read about how Wild Thing pose would inject magic into her life . . . followed by how it would fuck her up (five ways for each, precisely). She read conflicting reports about the 10 Rules of Alignment she needed to know to avoid a lifetime of misery and pain (never the same ten, of course), followed by an article about how it wasn’t worth worrying about alignment at all. She read tweets about how she could get injured doing a headstand and also how yoga could reduce inflammation in cancer patients.

She started going batshit crazy. Having already gone fucking ape shit after a foray into parenting blogs10464235_10152236014865946_3600131818117853492_n the year before, Ms. Steinroy knew the signs. She hightailed it to Dr. Tuckernot’s program.

Dr. Tuckernot’s rehabilitation takes place far from any yoga arena –that is, an area without wifi. Over the course of 28 days, Morris, Thomas and Steinroy cancelled their Facebook, Instagram and Twitter accounts, unsubscribed from all magazine subscriptions, whether print or online, and adhered to a rigorous diet of Dunkin Donuts munchkins, tap water with ice, coffee with processed, artificially flavored creamer and Hart of Dixie episodes. Reference to vegan nut milks, mathematical angles, geometry of any kind, thoracic spines, fantastical imagery (crows, unicorns, lions, etc), as well as kombucha, koshas, kleshas, kapha and karma was strictly forbidden.

Upon completion each walked away with a “Sensory Deprivator 5000” (invented by the fictional character Ted Mosby in the beloved series “How I Met Your Mother”) which functions to cancel out most sound and vision save for the smallest slice of what is in front of you. Back in the wild, most obtained Tuckernot’s patented pre-printed laminated cards, as well as the JPEG version, to hand out whenever they ventured outside or online: The cards read: “Please do not talk to me about yoga, alignment or breathing — or any lists detailing “5 Reasons Why” or “Ten Benefits/Drawbacks of” something concerning yoga or alignment or breathing. Please ignore my Sensory Deprivator 5000.”

“Most people just smile and back away, or click ‘like’ and back off,” said Thomas. “But occasionally, someone wants to talk about deflated footballs or climate change, which is a real treat.”

I am indebted to the smart and witty Ms. Sarah Miller and her piece “New Parenting Study Released” (from the New Yorker Magazine March 24, 2014) for this blog. Ms. Miller did the work; I just transcribed it into the yoga scene. In that article, Ms. Miller details the phenomena of parents going fucking ape shit after reading parenting articles. An incredibly enlightening and inspiring read. 

This entry was posted in Blog.

67 thoughts on “New Yoga Study Released

  1. This should not be read by women who have had 4 kids and are of a certain age and who have just consumed some tap water – with ice. Mula bandhas won’t help. Good one Jean.

  2. Out. Fucking. Standing. That’s what I figured– yoga might do something. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Just go with it. Sorry, I’d normally post a more well thought out comment, but I’m a shitty typist, I’m on my iPhone and I’m getting a chicken shawarma. I’m hungry.

    • Thank you Tim. I think this is a great out. fucking. standing. comment. From one shitty typist to another…off to fix some typos in the blog. thank you again for this!

  3. Thank you. That’s the most I’ve laughed in weeks. Used to live at an ashram. OMG.

    Also, I’m pretty sure that’s the first fucking time I’ve shared a blatantly NSFW passage on my FB page. So. Fucking. There.

    Laughter brings me into union with The One.

    See you in that field.

    • Dear Suzanne: I am so honored that I caused you to share an NSFW bit on your FB wall. Thanks for taking the time to write here. It is so f-ing nice to know that I am not laughing all by myself!

    • Thank you, Joy! I will tell my husband you said so, the next time he is in doubt 🙂

  4. Well thanks for that,I was gonna write a blog on proper position for arms in chatarunga relating it to angel wings but that’s out now. instead I’ll add cereal to my wine and write about ‘why everyone needs a kitten’.

    Then work on my ‘ass’.

    • Ha ha Tahnee! thanks for writing. Personally, I would love to read about chaturanga angel wings and why everyone needs a kitten– both sound entertaining. AS I said above to Julie– if you have something to write– write it!!

      PS, Studies show that more often than not, our asses are just fine. It’s our attitudes about them that suck.

  5. Brilliant. You read my brain. This is exactly why I stopped writing “those” articles. Thank you for putting it out there!!!

    • Thank you Julie– I should add that sometimes those articles are great. Particularly when written by someone you study in person with, trust, who believes in you and your ability to figure things out for yourself. Some of the articles I linked to are by people I am huge fans of, others not so much. If you have something in you to write, by all means do it!!!

  6. Wow, my lady, you made my day. I laughed and laughed and laughed even more, simply great article. Thanks!

    • Thank you Oya– I am so glad. Laughing is good. I bet there is a study that says so!

    • Thank you Danielle! This makes me so happy. well, not that you are going batshit crazy….but you know what i mean!

  7. This was hilarious and so damn true! I am a yoga teacher and I don’t read Yoga Journal, drink or whatever it is you do with kumbacha (which I don’t know how to spell either), and am totally un-vegan. I also love wine. So there!

    • Dear Sharon: I regret to inform you that I love kombucha. There is a guy, local who makes something called MTO kombucha and it makes all the kombucha I ever had before taste like crap. Anyway, I ardently believe that drinking it will give me superpowers. I also love margaritas, on the rocks, with salt.

      thank you for writing– I really appreciate your taking the time and “hilarious” is a compliment i will treasure.

  8. Thanks for making my day! As I head into the 3rd Sedona Yoga Festival (I attended the first) this is so appropriate. It will help with my intention. I’m not attending a lot of classes (asana) on purpose – I’m familiar with my asanas! Instead I’m all for workshops, philosophy and experiences. Anyway I can tap into the healing and therapeutic benefits of yoga while holding the Yamas and Niyamas in my heart works for me. Your courage and honesty will take me far into the weekend! Thank you!

    • Have fun at the festival Sheila! Follow the stuff you are interested in. Thanks so much for writing, jean marie

  9. Bahaha!
    Thanks for the laughs!
    We all are Cosmic Fools seeking the Universal Smile.
    Anyone who has achieved a state of Batshit Crazy is truly Enlightened and One with the Universe.
    Now let us roll up our mats and catch a ‘Happy Hour’ @ the nearest pub!
    Detox to Retox!

    • Wow, I must be enlightened then!!! Thanks Cliff. I love that so many people are reaching out to me and commenting. It makes me feel less alone with what I thought was a strange sense of humor 🙂

  10. Thank you so much for articulating so many thoughts and observances into one article!! You have hit so many nails on the head. I also read the parenting one, so thanks for that!! 🙂

  11. Ha ha! Well that definitely needed to be said. When I first came out of teacher training I definitely went AFC reading stuff and trying to find all the answers. My yoga teacher friends told me they’d given up and just taught from their gut instincts. I stayed AFC for quite some time. Now I see how nutty the idea of perfection is. Now I teach like this: avoid injury, get on your mat (it beats sitting on your arse), try to be present (somewhere sometime), have a sense of humour (no matter how much yoga you do you are still going to die sometime), figure out imbalances if you have them and work with them but for heaven’s sake don’t expect perfection – it won’t change your life (and look to exercise science for more help than most yoga teachers), either decide you will read no yoga history or committ to studying it for several years…. 🙂 🙂 🙂 Thank you for your sanity. I treasure it.

    • Thanks Sarah- I think I am saying roughly the same thing here when I say I stay sane by trusting in what I practice, and studying with people who don’t deal in absolutes and who don;t believe they know everything. I am glad you found me sane! I shall remind my husband you said so many times over the next few weeks. 🙂

  12. Funny indeed – points for rough humour!

    Nevertheless, the confusion and frustration over any amount of conflicting information has one simple cure.

    It is called critical thinking. Otherwise known as analytical thinking. Or ‘using one’s own grey matter’ (aka brain)…

    Using critical and analytical thinking to work out why something is taught in a certain way in one system and denied in another. And to work out what works for oneself.
    Critical thinking works best when paired with empirical evidence (meaning, with the knowledge gained through personal practice of trial and error).

    In the case of lack of education in critical thinking and/ or lack of grey matter in one’s skull all is not lost, though. There is also a chance to stick with one established system/ teacher and just follow what the guru’s grey matter has worked out. Usually there is a fairly good reason why established systems insist on a certain ways of doing things…

    The choice is yours.

    • Thank you and thanks for writing! “knowledge gained through personal practice of trial and error” “stick with one established system” “no one size fits all” — if i’d written a serious version of this blog…words like this would probably have been in it!

  13. Having done Yoga most of my life, at my age (hmmmm no not telling, but m past my 40’s), I find myself now moving between being serious and responsible; and letting my hair seriously DOWN! I enjoy the odd glass of wine, a delicious time with my loved one in a big bed, and the depths of humour with caring for the planet still. Your article made me laugh and that is enlightening…

    • Dear Jaya: I’m so glad you enjoyed it. PS, my desire to practice “satya” prohibits me from sharing my age as well. 🙂

  14. Possibly the worst two weeks of my life just came to an end. Thank you, you are my unicorn!!! A very funny fucking unicorn!

    • Dear Rhonda: Thank you so much for writing. I am so glad. And I do hope that all is ok with you and that those two weeks saty far away!

    • Oh dear, let’s hope not! I have an idea what you mean, but if you care to elaborate, I’d be happy to hear more, Beth. Either way, Thank you for leaving a comment! ~ jean marie

  15. I love this!
    It makes me seriously want to go have a coffee with you, and my unicorn.

    Thanks for the insights that made me feel less alone in having similar opinions!

    Lia

    • Thank you Lia! perhaps someday that coffee will happen. it is a small, small yoga world. Thank you (and your unicorn) for writing me, jean marie

  16. So refreshing to read something so real. I think its good to remember we are all human–and not all knowing beings with special powers because we teach yoga. So sick of all the ‘celebrity’ yoga teachers too–what’s up with that? what would buddha do? Thanks Jean Marie!

    • Thank you Nancy. I think about this a lot– I am certainly not an all knowing being with special powers! (other than to insert the f-word in a number of surprising places). Thanks for writing in, I really appreciate hearing everyone’s thoughts.

  17. Jesus JM, how much coffee did you drink when you wrote this? So. F’ing. Funny.

    I think this is your most popular post of all! I think this is your calling, dear.

    – Rainbow Farting Unicorn from Flow. I miss you.

    • Ha hat hank you Renee!!!!!! What is my calling, you think? Right now, I don;t feel f-ing funny at all!!! i think i need some chocolate. Hope you are well and let’s run into each other on purpose sometime, ok?

      • Your calling? teaching & writing. You are doing (and excelling at) exactly what you should do. I am hoping you can feel it; the positive feedback from your blog followers AND your students. You have a gift. Rock it.

    • Thank you Ashby! Oh no, to be Rumi-ed! Or “oh good!” just depends, right? thank you for writing

      • Jean Marie, it was exactly the way you described in your essay. And it was not the good kind of Rumi, this was another yoga teacher totally avoiding accountability. And what you wrote and the way you wrote it was totally healing for me to have a good belly laugh. mmwah!

  18. OMG, I’m one of the people producing click bait articles like mass production factories and gloat at the inhumanity I have just unleashed into the pool of yoga teacher. So am I now qualified to be a unicorn?? Thanks for the humor, it’s nice to see a funny post on yoga 😀

    • thank you Wing! I’m a bit of a click-baiter myself. I love catchy titles, what can I say? I do wonder what those unicorn qualifications look like. it’s an area for further study, i think

  19. Just waking up from a long hour nap aka 60 minutes without my islavephone in my hands, eyes going through as many Shakti and Kundalini awakening websites as possible, simply because my brain is fucking saturated. I couldn’t stop laughing. Ah man, thank you so much!! Sounds like experience huh?! You can’t relate so well unless you’ve been through that!! Obsession to know it all is also attachment! Ahh shit i lost it again! Where do I sign up?!

    • thanks Laeit! so nice to wake up to this. I really appreciate your taking the time to write.

  20. HA! This has got to be the start of a great day when I pair your article with my espresso at the crack of dawn! Seriously talented writer JM! Wish I had the gift 🙂
    Miss you ♡

    • Thanks so much Dana!!!! Espresso sounds so good! Miss you too, for real 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *