Since we first announced plans to reopen when deemed safe by our resident taskforce (consisting of an astrologer, a Shaman, Reiki Master and Doterra Diamond seller) many yogis have asked how we plan to ensure safety in light of a pandemic, killer wasps, the end of days, and so on, in an enclosed, heated, airless room without windows. Our strategy of ignoring reality is outlined below, but the short answer is this:

Our beloved hOme will proceed as if everything’s okay because we believe in positive vibes. Only.

Spreading Love & Light (Not Corona):

Good News! Because you practice yoga with us, you’re already 99.57% inoculated against contracting the virus, according to leading yoga science experts. The sequence we do literally squeezes cooties out of your system and eradicates them from the universe, according to no scientist ever. When coupled with “positive vibes only” this yoga is practically designed to combat the spread of any and all diseases including ones that haven’t been invented yet from animals you haven’t heard of. (Just in case, avoid the zoo.)

But we’re going even further:

• In an abundance of caution, students named “Karen” will not be permitted in the studio (save for our Shaman, who happens to be a white woman named Karen from Laguna Beach).
• If you have traveled to a non-organic grocery store, kindly please self-quarantine.
• For extra immune system protection, we recommend purchasing our 5-day Corona Kidney Detox, subsisting on nothing but liquified blue algae and Fruit.
• Upon entry, students will be screened for symptoms of negative vibes. Any student exhibiting signs of negative vibrations or an awareness of reality will be asked to leave immediately.

Saucha! Yoga Room Safety and Disinfection:

After measuring our yoga hOMe and examining our nonexistent ventilation system, our unpaid cleaning staff of karma yogis has informed us that there’s absolutely no way our typical classes can fit in our space. But this amazing yoga hOMe has always valued creating our own delusional reality, so we’ve tackled this by posting “NO COVID-19 ALLOWED/POSITIVE VIBES ONLY” Vision Boards on every door and wall. We are manifesting a Covid-free space with these visions: If you dream it, you can achieve it, my lovely souls.

To show how seriously we take the situation, we have provided “AURA CLEARING MIST” spray at every point of entry to clean any negative energies. (Please note Aura Clearing Mist is not functional hand sanitizer.) Teachers will clean the space after each class, but as we don’t pay them for this or monitor their efforts, your guess is as good as ours. For added protection, sage brush your practice area before each class.  Positive Vibes Only!

Student Safety in Our Sanctuary:

How can we have a dozen students (or forty, thanks to our inventive manifestation of abundance imagining our space as quadruple its actual size) breathing heavily ujjayi style, flinging sweat droplets, all while they wear masks that they can remove whenever they want?

We’ll be moving some classes al fresco in the park this summer, but mostly not. Our community has decided to believe only the science we like (i.e. yoga teacher science, of the very same that brought you “pulling” is the object of stretching and “fish pose cures gallbladder cancer” and so on) and similarly only the theories of virus spread that we like. In sum:

It’s fine, whatever. Good Vibes Only! 

Still, we’re vigilant in observing the protocol we made up: requiring each student to purchase these custom moonstone mala beads with stones for the throat chakra (thus Corona cough inoculation) and perform 108 drop backs while chanting “Bibbity Bobbity Boo.” Students are also requested to consume a bowl of the cereal “Lucky Charms” each day, because you never know. We understand the hardship of consuming refined sugar, but in these times we all have to sacrifice for the greater good. 

Love Conquers All!

Retail:

Rest assured, REIKI healing energy is applied to each mat and towel before given to the customer, along with a Care Bear Stare. Live, Laugh, Love!

Teacher Training:

Our annual TT is taking place as usual because we think everything’s going to be fine in a week thanks to an abundance of positive vibes and Mercury coming out of Retrograde. All attendees will be accepted, regardless of whether they fly in from live animal markets in China or after “licking public subway turnstiles”** in New York City. Our 20 luminous TTs will hang in our stuffy yoga room for entire days and weekends– why,  it’s going to be like the old, pre-Covid glory days we shall pretend still exist! We’ll practice assisting each other (Touch!) and breath of fire exercises to flush negative energies while spreading respiratory droplets. Heck we might even bring back unconsented, creepy assault-y assists just for shits and giggles. We ask that upon arrival, our TTs make frequent use of our “AURA CLEARING MIST” stations, always start with the right leg, chant Om three times, and charge crystals on the full moon– just in case. All students will also receive a welcome package containing a “Positive Vibes” branded face mask (to use or not use depending on one’s positive vibe frequency), a “LOVE CONQUERS ALL” anti-Covid Vision Board, kombucha, a lucky penny, and the other half of this missing locket. 

Come hOMe to our Positive Vibes!

____

* This piece was inspired by this hilarious article about University Reopening https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-message-from-your-universitys-vice-president-for-magical-thinking

**”licking public subway turnstiles” is a funny phrase I took from a post of the wonderful yogi Sean Haleen

Cover Drawing by Zoe Ward aka @unrulyascetic