Photo by Joanna Darlington

In my first teacher training Kelly Morris required we practice asana five days a week (and meditate seven). She said:

“it’s a funny thing. If you want to teach yoga, you kinda have to do some yoga.”

Although I’ve evolved in the five years since, these words still stand. I don’t get yoga teachers who teach so many classes they cannot practice themselves, practice only while they teach, or practice rarely. I’m not judging it (ok, maybe a little). But I can peek outside my bubble (compassion, Jean, compassion) and gather that sometimes it’s financially-driven, a different lifestyle thing, and not the way I’ve studied or been taught– maybe others have a different way. I just don’t know what kind of yoga I’d have to share if I didn’t do much of my own.

I prioritize practice over teaching, not because I’m holier than thou but because practicing gives me so much — the last thing I’ll do is give it up so I can teach it more. I also get that teaching itself requires practice– but I’ve found once a week sufficient to keep my teaching gears moving. Mostly, I’ve found my ability to teach something that requires practice doesn’t exist without a practice of my own. The more regular practice has become, the more I’ve felt better as a teacher– no– person. Even back in my pre-ashtanga days I found that taking class with my most inspirational vinyasa teachers before teaching myself turned out to help my teaching, even if I felt a little more crunched time-wise (and by the way, my vinyasa teachers practiced). But let me come out and say it– if yoga teachers can’t find the balance in life to practice, then what hope is there for the rest of us?

These days I spend a lot of time – kind of insane, really –75 minutes to two hours of practicing and meditating five times a week (the meditation is new– so far so good!), mostly alone. Does that sound weird? Good. I want to be weird. I’m not cut out to be the Cap’n Crunch of yoga teachers, leading people through one-size-fits all cues and group choreography, selling some yogic-sounding kombuchasana sh*t I’ve never personally consumed, though of course I’ll appear in a you-could-almost-miss-it-picture with my leg behind head in a yogazine I actually like (and who am I kidding, Cap’n Crunch sounds rather appealing sometimes). I also prioritize study with teachers I want to learn from over teacher trainings that would thrust me into a group of 80 other yogis and give no personal contact with the teacher/leader but that would enjoy recognition by Yoga Alliance, Instagram emoji bestowers and corporate gym execs. I finally prioritize being worthwhile in my own eyes.

I wasn’t always like this. Sometimes, still, I go through rough patches where I practice a lot less — doubt it to hell and back and then doubt some more — but I still practice. Sometimes I go through patches where I worry about what everybody else is doing, but I still try to do my own thing. I just don’t give a sh*t; I mean, no, I do give a sh*t: about evolving, about finding my way through this world in a graceful way–and hopefully helping a few others by seeing them as individuals and listening to them. I found the practice and teachers that speak to me and time on my mat where I speak to myself. In other words I’m more concerned with what I’m doing with these eight limbs than I am with bottling and selling them. If I need money to eat, I’ll look for a different job.

“There’s only so much that we can do each day. If you find that work or other activities don’t let you have time for yourself– you don’t create that space for yourself each day to check in– then I think maybe that’s not going to be a sustainable way of living… In the long run. It might not even be yoga that provides you with that opportunity but some type of inwardness each day…. and if your life is too busy for yoga that’s yoga telling you that there’s a problem. It doesn’t mean that you need to drop the practice it means you need to change your schedule. but that’s a hard thing to do.”  David Robson, in an interview in this beautiful video from Prana Yoga studio in Sarajevo.

For now, I’m teaching a whopping once or twice a week from my home studio — small 6-person classes (allowing for individual teaching instead of one-size-fits-all cues), and baking muffins (for after yoga) as part of a little venture I call Pop Up Practice. Hey, some teachers can teach more and still practice— with grace to boot. Real deal ones, too– I know, and maybe me too, someday.

I also know that injuries, pregnancies, new babies, children, parents, jobs, travel and times of doubt all cause ebbs and flows in the nature of practice–I sure as hell didn’t always practice as much as I do now. The difference is teachers I gravitate to remain committed to practice even during these times, even if the practice itself changes because of whatever is going on.

You see, I’ve kinks to work out as a human, mother and yogi.

I’d like to work through the kinks on my own mat before I experiment on yours.