A Tale of two Ashtanga injuries: A conversation between two ashtanga practitioners

Lu in KapotasanaThis summer I began suffering non-physical issues with my ashtanga practice (which is predominantly a home alone practice as of the past year and a half) –doubt, child-care issues, and more doubt– while my friend and fellow practitioner Lu Duong suffered from an actual physical injury that took him away from the physical practice for a part of summer. Lu is learning intermediate series under his teacher, Tova Steiner, at Ashtanga Arlington, at Sun& Moon yoga studio, and is currently an apprentice and assistant in the Mysore practice room. Because he responded so beautifully to my queries and because there is not enough acknowledgement of the down times and the struggles for my taste, I asked him if I could share our dialogue — a conversation between the physically injured practitioner and the “mentally” so.  Please note that I edited and added to my responses and shaped the dialogue a bit after the fact because my half of the conversation seemed woefully deficient in finesse and fancy words. I hope you find our exchange helpful.

JM: Lu, it feels like many of us are facing practice challenges right now, like you with your rib injury. Mine is of a non-physical variety — a mental injury, if you will: questioning ashtanga, the solitude it asks of me as a home practitioner much of the time (which may just be temporary summer issue). I’m thinking of you and others I know dealing with injury or just challenges to practice and in a weird way, it is comforting to know we are all dealing with something.

LU: JM! I think any practitioner that devotes themselves wholeheartedly to the practice will experience phases of dwindling motivation and find this completely normal. I understand why asana practitioners may experience unmotivated phases. Perhaps the need to “recharge”.

This reminds me of Angela Jamison. If I recall correctly in her “House Recommendations”, she advises to leave the asana practice once you step off your mat. Don’t obsess over it. It is what it is. Don’t waste precious mental output ruminating over your asana practice. This is where many of us, who are so deeply passionate about this practice, make mistakes. It’s draining and unnecessary. I find myself constantly working on this.

I actually asked Tova to address a similar topic in a conference she held this past spring. Should we take a complete asana break at times throughout the year? She recommended that we work through it (we have sufficient rest on observed Moon days, illnesses, etcs). And by “working through it”- lies the “detachment” to the practice. I assume this to mean even on days where no desire exists. Perhaps Sury A & B, closing, and rest? There’s no expectation that we MUST get through all of primary or 2nd. That’s all ego. I think it’s healthy to have other passions as well. For you–climbing or spending more time with your daughter or husband. When we devote ourselves wholeheartedly into that present moment, whether asana or with loved ones, that too, is practice.

JM: Thank you for sharing this, Lu. I expected that after my two week vacation (although I did practice several times within that) my practice would come back blazing. Summer is a different time– as teachers like Tim Miller and Peg Mulqueen and Jen Rene have beautifully shared. I’ve been late in taking the hint: It’s August and I am just now letting go of the need for my practice to be a certain way. I’m awfully susceptible to the “shoulds” —  phantasmal self-punishing demons (like the Ashtanga Police) fueled by the fear that I am not progressing in the way I might be without these “breaks” — or, more simply, that I am not enough. I think if I let go of ashtanga a little (really, I mean that if I let go of the “shoulds” a little) I will love ashtanga more. I already do.

I managed just A & B and closing this morning because I was with my child all day, and it was perfect. i’m traveling to see family as well, so I tell myself that look, things won’t come back to full force for a few weeks yet, or more, or ever, who knows? So what?

Sometimes I wonder if ashtanga isn’t “it” for me. I wonder if yoga is just leading me back to my original essence, which is something other. By “other” I mean that i’ve defined myself with yoga, and, recently, with ashtanga. but the practice is revealing a definition that was there before there was so much dumped onto the practice by my own machinations. I’m taking a writing class this fall; I’m reading books and things on an intellectual level not since I was in college (and I went to a smartypants school). Something is opening my eyes to the reality that yoga is part of me but not all. I am grateful to you for your support of Ashtanga Arlington and Tova — you make that community what it is, in so many ways! I hope to see you there soon one sunday, even if for the meditation only. and I do hope you heal. I’d tell you some BS about injuries making us stronger, but the truth is, being injured sucks (but yeah, in my life injuries have helped me in a weird way but I will shut up on that). I hope you can find some movement to sustain you while injured.

LU: It honestly sounds like you need open space right now, JM. To explore, to be creative, to inquire deeper. One’s sadhana isn’t limited to one form or construct. Ashtanga should be a vehicle, not an absolute in chains. That being said, if you can manage the minimum to still have a direct connection to it, you should. It’s not always flowers, and we should dig deep when it isn’t.

I know this sounds crazy, but have you thought about opening your own local Mysore style club like Durham for the Loudon community? Even if it’s in your own home? There’s nothing near you and I’m sure your local community could use it. Perhaps that’s the next step for you without you even realizing it? I am a big believer in parampara as it concerns KPJAYI, and I also believe that folks are doing a service to others when they make the practice more accessible in areas that need it. The daily commute from Leesburg to Arlington or DC daily can be exhausting. Perhaps that’s where you might come in? Maybe that energy you channel so deeply into your own practice now needs to be channeled into others?

JM: It does sound crazy– in a good way. You may be right, we’ll see.

I just stay connected to practice no matter what. Through all my downs, I still keep it up; it just happens. This week whether it’s just A&B and closing, or full primary, it will be what it will be.

I’m still having a weird time with practice overall–some days I feel dynamic and others feeble and languid. Today felt listless, but I am taking your advice and Tova’s and doing at least A&B and some finishing so I am still practicing. I don’t want to fight with the practice anymore. The hardest part of dealing with this mental setback– and I imagine you can  relate, is knowing how it felt so recently to be so physically and mentally in tune with a full, demanding, progressing and dynamic practice, when today that harmony and let’s face it, physical achievement seems so far away. I think for the I have to surrender and just give what works. How is coming back to practice going?

LU: Surya A & B felt good. I am taking it very slow. Tova is actually having me practice with steadiness and awareness which I need. I would reinjure myself, otherwise, by doing too much, too soon. I have complete confidence in Tova. If someone knows how to return from injury, it’s her.

JM: You have the perfect teacher for what you are dealing with. In a way, I am deeply affected by seeing you all work back from injury. I have what might be called a “mental injury”

LU: You’ll bounce back from your mental vacation, it happens to everyone. Don’t stress over it. As you are doing now, find that balance between yoga, climbing, and family. It’s all about the middle path, isn’t it?

It’s interesting, being injured and having had to take complete rest for weeks. Maureen made a comment the other day that hit home. It actually affected me deeply. She said, “You’re more fun when you’re injured!” 🙂 And, I knew exactly what she meant. I let myself enjoy…well, life, more. I was more relaxed with how I ate, for example. Ice cream late night? Ok! Potato chips in bed at 11pm? Sure! 4th slice of pizza? Yes! When I wanted to, I slept in…I slept late…I was less “yoga-obsessed” for a lack of a better term (Maureen really appreciated the alarm clock not going off at 4:30am or 3:30am on the day I assist). Her comment made me realize that there needs to be more openness on my end. I am very Type-A, and can swing to the far end of the pendulum when passionate. I need to work my way back towards the middle.

Even just now, I was scrolling through Instagram, and saw a friend in ardha matsyandrasana. I immediately thought, “God, I miss that so much” and began feeling sorry for myself. That was the furthest thing I should have thought. It’s these self-imposed constructs that we place on ourselves that get us into trouble. How is ardha different than the sury’s? It’s not. At all. It’s only the construct that I’ve developed in my head of a linear progression of asana and basing my “success” against it that is making me feel sorry for myself. I should be deeply thankful that I’m able to move with minimal pain. Our friend, Lydia and shala mate, pointed out to me, “Injury is always a guide. Use it as such.” A once 2 hour practice now cut to 20 minutes, but how meaningful! I used to rush through primary to begin intermediate. I am now finding an entire new world in just the Sury’s, truly connecting with breath, with movement, and awareness. I see this as a microcosm into my own life and a direct opportunity to reexamine how I view everything.

And so, I tell you as a friend, my God, you have so much richness in your life. You can go rock climb, play with your daughter, hug and love your husband, you have folks that love your writing..life is so good for you right now! You don’t want to do a 2 hour asana practice each morning? How does that make you any less a yogi? In the end, the asana is to assist us in our sitting practice which in turn should be an outward reflection of how we view and project to the world.

Speaking of Tova, imagine at age 40, having to have hip replacement surgery with the strong possibility that she would never do asana practice again. Imagine THAT…she has built her entire life around this practice and had to stare at that possible reality directly in the face. And, to do so with such equanimity and poise; it makes me feel so guilty for internally whining (well, Maureen gets the verbal version!) about having to wait so long to return to my “normal” practice. All to say, we’ll both “get there”. In the end, although ironically, we are “already there”…we just need to remove the camouflage to see it.

JM: Lu, your wisdom here is so beautiful it must be shared. We’re alike (on the Type-A extreme pendulum, not the 4th slice of pizza eating) and the need to work towards the middle, or maybe just someplace more fluid. Indeed, I reached out to David Garrigues, and he hit the nail on the head: “maybe you are being too rigid in your definition of practice when you are by yourself” — as did you — “we are already there.” I recall something Lady Ruth Lauer-Manenti, who studied deeply with Pattabhi Jois, wrote: The interruptions in life are life.”

Perhaps the interruptions to practice– the injuries, the child-care issues, the new baby, the sick relative, the work schedule — are practice. As Tova recently shared:

lastly, if you have found you have lost your way with the practice over the last few months, please consider coming back. trust me, i understand the multitude of frustrations that come up as we come into conflict with our bodies and our minds and frankly, just life. but if i haven’t ever said this explicitly before, this practice is so much more than just the asana we do on the mat. the hope is that when practiced with dedication for a long time, whatever amount of asana we do will help us deal with everything off the mat in a more equanimous way.

 

Postscript: Lu suffered intercostal muscle strain/tears this summer. He is currently working his way slowly through healing primary. Jean Marie’s mental injuries feel way better after letting go of the imaginary hammer she was using to beat herself up. She too is working her way through the healing power of primary.

 

6 thoughts on “A Tale of two Ashtanga injuries: A conversation between two ashtanga practitioners

  1. Jean Marie, I had such a blast having this discussion with you. Thank you for putting this together 🙂

  2. Hi!! This conversation is so incredibly timely! I’ve been feeling very frustrated and sad as I’ve had to pull back from practice again due to some minor injuries.
    I slipped on wet (no sign) floor in produce section at Wegmans landing hard on knee that had surgery. 48 hours later I was rear ended by a truck while at a stop light! Nothing serious, just stiff, bruised swollen and sore. And being really posed off!
    Finding asanas which will help me heal is the easy part. Moving slowly and incorporating Yin is fine too. I love Yin and it’s what I enjoy teaching, but then the mind starts to charge ahead and I start thinking that I’ll never be able to move through vinyasa or gain back what I’ve lost.
    Thanks for this! It’s just what I needed. Maybe a suit of armor too! 🙂

    • Thank you Dana! Wow, it sounds like you have been through a lot– those do not sound like minor injuries. It’s wonderful that you have a practice you love in yin and I would hold onto that instead of the fear of not getting things “back.” I hope you have supportive teachers to work with, too. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I always love hearing when something I share resonates.

  3. Thank you for this! I’m new to your blog and see that I have some catching up to do. 😉
    Re: this specific post—I’ve been practicing at home for the last month or so, recommitted to a 6-day practice after a couple of years away—and developed a pain that I now know is rib strain that forced a week (and counting) of rest. I’d been lamenting and missing my practice; we were getting along so famously. 😊Taking even this short break brought an emotional pain like homesickness, which certainly has been a gift, an opportunity to look at how I’ve attached to and been seeking something from it (as a way to “fix” my life). Will start back gently and see where else I can apply the same gusto (sans attachment!) that I seem to have for the practice.
    “Interruptions in life are life.” Grateful. Xo

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