- Dear JEAN, Hope you like this “Personalized” Form Email Sent To 6,654 Subscribers That Makes You Feel Special Because It Mentions You By Name JeanMRE
Hi, JEAN, can we talk? Om this sounds so personal right? I mean this is– wink wink– a highly personal email to you, JEAN MARIE, not some creepy mail merge algorithm walking around like a personal cutesy note just to you JEan MRIE. Nope! Not impersonal at all, though it’s obviously being sent to all 5046 of my subscribers jEAN, like you haven’t figured that out already Jean MAri, because your name is misspelled in all these form emails because you misspelled it once in my files, Jen Mari. Also, you’re no idiot, JENE, but don’t expect more from me just because I’m a yoga teacher, JeanMHacket%. Hey, how’s it goin’ JeaN? Wait, don’t answer 🙂 Wink Wink, so personal!
2. The Change of Seasons Email To My “Radiant Ones” Announcing That It’s Fall In Case You Didn’t Notice All The Pumpkin Spice Everywhere
OM Shanti, Radiant Raja Lovers! It’s the change of seasons! Time to tap in to your autumnal abundance! Yes it’s me, that teacher with the email that comes with each change of the seasons– another chance to use all my favorite words: radiant, sacred, abundance, body, mother, earth, Ganesh, Kali, DoterraTM. Dear Abundant Ones: Have I mentioned I love the fall? The cool, crisp air, snuggles and pumpkin spice? Have I used the word abundance at least TEN times in a single email? Time to FALL into the sacred abundance of Pumpkin lattes. Namaste, Abundantly
3. The Email You Get From Other Teachers That You Never Signed Up For But You Are Too Scared To Unsubscribe And Honestly They Might Just Add You Back To The List If You Do So You Are Trapped
Hi, JEAN! you’re getting this email because we teach at the same studio and I took all those teacher emails and used them for my own email list, which you’d rather not be on because if you wanted to know when I was teaching you could just look at our studio schedule because we both teach there, or google my name and see my website, or look at any of my insta posts about my teaching — but no, it’s cool for me to POACH your email so I can send you information you don’t need and never asked for simply because we teach or taught at the same yoga studio five years ago in a place you no longer live but you now feel it would be way rude to unsubscribe so here is that email you never asked for.
You could try to leave but I’ll just add you back to my list and then we’ll BOTH KNOW WHAT YOU DID, JEAN. HEARD OF KARMA, JEAN? The Yoga Sutras, hmmm? THEN STOP HOARDING YOUR INBOX, JEaN. Be positive, my radiant one– at least you’ll always know when the seasons change! Stay tuned (not that you have a choice) for my next newsletter on Asteya, or “Non-stealing.” Yours forever.
4. BIG NEWS! It’s the Email Announcing Big News– But Wait, Is This Even News?
BIG NEWS! EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT COMING! You know what BIG NEWS means when it appears in your inbox? That’s right, anything! Big news and HUGE announcements might be anything from “I added another yin class to my schedule” to “I’m moving to Mars”– though usually the more ALL CAPS and !!!!!!! exclamation points there are, the smaller the big news actually is. In truth, the biggest news is really the smallest news, but this teacher email hypes it up so you’ll get as excited about it as you do for pumpkin spice lattes. BIG NEWS! My 9:15am vinyasa class is now called 9:15am vinyasa flow. Next up, more BIG NEWS: I’m making lentil soup!
5. PLEASE REMOVE ME FROM THIS SUB LIST: The Unanswered Email Cry For Help From The Yoga Teacher Who Left Town To Go Do Volunteer Work In The Amazon.
June: Dear Yogis: Hello from the Jungle! Please remove me from your sub list, as I am no longer teaching in Cali. Love from the Amazon!
July: Hey Yoga Ladies and Gents: Please take me off this list. Namaste, Love!
Still July: Please remove me from this sub list. Thanks loves!
Still July: Please remove me. Thanks
August: Really, remove me.
September. REMOVE ME MOTHERF*CKERS
6. The 1,110,056 Emails Replying ALL To A Yoga Teacher Message About Not “Replying ALL”
Thank you for a great meeting last night, Abundant Yogis! One suggestion, made out of abundant love. What if we hit “reply all” ONLY if you agree to a sub request so other people know the class is set. But if you can’t sub it, perhaps just email the person who made the request and not REPLY ALL. Abundance has its limits! I often feel overwhelmed with emails. Namaste, Gretchen Satya
- Gretchen, hey– I agree, this is so annoying, xo Kells
- OMG Me too– and please announce my beginners workshop!
- Dear Yogis: Kindly remove me from this email list; I am no longer subbing at this studio, thank you.
- What’s up with the construction going on?…. David
- Getch, this is a great idea– and i love your new haircut!
- can anyone sub my 9am tomorrow?
- who is down for yoga in the park on Thursday?
- any ideas for a good Reiki practitioner?
- Hey can you guys take me off this list? Melanie
- Can we get some more yin classes on the schedule?
- BIG NEWS! Here’s my newsletter about the change of seasons!!!
- REMOVE ME
7. The Non-Yoga Email You Get From A Yoga Teacher With a New Business That You Also Never Signed Up For
Hi, you’re also getting a non-yoga related email from me about my ETSY business devoted to making crochet finger puppets that look like hedgehogs. I added your email to the list because we once taught yoga together and I just know you want to be involved via email in every single thing I ever do for the rest of my life. Happy fall!