(this post is an homage to a piece Hallie Cantor wrote for the New Yorker called My Brain: The All Hands Meeting)

Me: Hi everyone, thanks for coming! At this meeting I’d like us to reconnect and get up to speed on what everybody’s been working on during this pre-holidays crazy quarter, how we feel about the future and what we need to do to get the next pose (not to mention figure out if we have the bandwidth to finish second series). Coffee, it seems appropriate to start with you.

Coffee: Well, my team is absolutely thrilled that our target has fully embraced us. She started out with one cup of drip coffee and now we’ve reached hipster coffee snob status with locally roasted beans ground fresh every morning and French pressed. Practice and all is coming!!!

Guruji further said, “No coffee no prana.”  We can only speculate at this point, but we’re hopeful that her research here will reveal that seriously good coffee begets seriously fucking awesome prana. We’re excited to study this closely in Q2, over not only one but two cups of hot, freshly pressed coffee. Bottom line: We’re so happy to be the one traditional ashtanga thing she can get down with.

Me: Thank you, I think?

Hot water with lemon: Ashtanga axioms and speculations aside, Coffee, from an ayurvedic perspective I think she would do much better with me in the morning. Have you noticed she always has to pee during practice?

Me: Forget it. Anyone else?

Yamas & Niyamas: Let’s see…..ahimsa (non-harming)….uh, Good luck with that?  Bramacharya….

(assorted groans, grumbles and chuckles from around the room)

Me: Moving on…..?

Yamas & Niyamas (losing patience). If you say so (not in order)… Aparigraha (non-possessiveness): she might want to review Sesame Street’s lessons on sharing, particularly when it comes to Justin’s maple almond butter. Santosha (contentment): jeez, it’s like she doesn’t even want it. Tapas (heat); oh, yes, finally! She’s got that–perhaps too much? She smells. Svadyaya (self-study), hmm…we might be doing ok here.

Me: Because of my yoga music video selfies?

Yamas & Niyamas (snickering): No, narcissism’s not really what we’re going for. We’re thinking more along the lines of her observing patterns on the mat. But overall, she’s a holy mess: are you interested in the PowerPoint graphs we’ve created showing massive daily failures on limbs 1 and 2?

Me: Let’s circle back to this never. I mean, later. Who’s got good news?

Asana: Finally, us! This team is the best; so many hard working folks to fill you in:

Backbends (appearing in glitter like Taylor Swifts supermodel friends): OMG, us first!!! We love talking about ourselves! Wait– is that our reflection in the mirror? Damn, we look good. Hold on, lemme take a selfie.

Social Media: Jeez, would it kill her to throw a Rumi quote all over that pic?

Backbends: Can we talk about us again? We think she’s doing great! Just great! Don’t we make her look kinda hot though?

Hamstrings/Krounchasana (sounding like Marcia Brady): Hello? We just give, give and give and she doesn’t notice and we’re sick of it. All we hear all day long is how great this backbend is and how deep this backbend is that. It’s always backbends backbends backbends! Or else it’s pincha pincha pincha!

Backbends: OMG, whatever, did you see her grab her own shins the other day? Like, wow, right? How awesome is she!

Me: I love you guys.

Right hip: Um, yeah, we’re gonna need a little extra work over here if she wants to stop falling on her face whenever her legs are behind her head. Ever think of yin?

Me: I’m not that kind of girl.

Psoas (grumbling): You think you need work? Everybody’s always talking about “how flexible” she is. Dude, we’re so tight over here that every extracurricular stretch feels like that moment Steve Carrell gets his chest waxed in the Forty Year Old Virgin. May we suggest regular massage therapy in the next quarter?

Me: Now we’re getting somewhere.

Most Recent Pose She’s Been Given: We’re just so happy to be at the table! We cannot believe we’re here. Wow. We have no idea what we are doing in our department, FYI, particularly because we’re one of those poses who looks deceptively simple but totally kicks you on your ass and reveals the sloppy, clumsy mess you actually are on the inside! No matter– we’re just psyched to be here!

Backbends (tearing away from their smartphones for once): OMG, who is that?

Handstand (a hot, shirtless, tattooed guy walks into the meeting– on his hands): Excuse me, I heard someone covets me?

Backbends: Talk about psyched. Hey, handstand, can we like, take a selfie with you?

(the Yoga Police roll their eyes and sigh. Hamstrings, Krounchasana and right hip join them.)

Yoga Police: (chomping at the bit) We’ve been silent long enough.

Me: Ugh, who invited you jerks?

Yoga police: Why, you silly! We’re just a monstrous coalition of your inner self-judgey thoughts here to tyrannize you! I’m sorry to rain on this parade but we disagree, Backbends, about how “great” she’s doing. Now, honing in on her complete missing of the mark: (1) handstand? what does that have to do with anything? (2) Hello, breathing remember that? Is she even trying to do correct vinyasa anymore? (3) What ‘s up with the almond butter and eating before practice? (4). Dear God, the music. Don’t think we haven’t seen– was that Nine Inch Nails on a playlist? Whatever happened to Krishna Das? Wait–there’s no music in ashtanga!!

Yamas & Niyamas (glancing around the room): Let’s add that we seem to be missing a few limbs to that list.

Almond Butter (snorting). She’s missing protein! And we got that covered– plus we taste really good with honey and/or chocoloate chips– talk about Samadhi!

Backbends: Big picture, you insidious jackasses (sorry Almond butter, we’re not talking about you, obviously; love you with chocolate chips). The music is just a phase — it’s winter, she’s alone, and don’t we look good set to music?

Yoga police: Well, look who managed a five-cent word. Back to the issue– what kind of yogi blows out a speaker?

Me: Enough with the back and forth here, can someone show the police out? Let’s focus on something productive, positive and deep.

Social Media: That’s our cue! We just love your home practice videos! May we suggest that this quarter you spice things up by taking some of these clips on top of a ski mountain or in the middle of a highway, or while wearing a bikini (preferably on a ski mountain or in the middle of a highway)?

Yoga Police: Sorry, her brain forced us back into this meeting. She loves to suffer! Anyway, we’re gonna have to just hem, haw, judge and pretend to vomit here.

Me: I said “productive.”

Ski Mountain: Hi! Can I redirect this meeting? Just wanted to remind you that it finally snowed and guess what? It’s still snowing! You’ve gonna have to start getting up at 5am or else shelve this second series finish thing till Spring.

(Psoas and right hip groan)

Seven Scary Looking Headstands (laughing): Sorry, it’s just so funny we’re talking about reaching the end of second series because guess what’s waiting there? Seven of us– her worst fears! Assuming she gets here, she could be with us a very long time.

Teacher: Pardon me, but may I make a suggestion? Maybe she should just practice. If she’d just stop overthinking everything….

Me: That would be novel.

(Social Media clears it’s throat)

Social Media: I think you’re already aware of how we’re just dying to contribute more to sucking up her real life, human, face to face, present time. We think she’s got what it takes to get liked by people she’s never met on this journey, except, well, maybe she should blow dry her hair once in a while, find a prettier space with better lighting, try incorporating the cute dogs (minus the poop) and hashtags, get a pedicure and hey, how ’bout a tattoo? Is it even possible to do ashtanga or teach yoga without a tattoo? We’re thinking something sexy on her back, following the curve of her ribcage. But do in Sanskrit, Japanese– or hieroglyphics — so it’s still classy. Oh– let’s pencil in some botox too!

Me: You’re losing me here, SM.

Yoga Police: There’s hope.

Backbends: Seriously. She doesn’t look a day over thirty.

Meditation teacher: Excuse me, but perhaps you should stop rescheduling our next meeting; pretty soon this meeting’s going to be…Never?

Yoga Police: Amen.

Me: Ok, we’ve lost focus here. We’re talking about finishing second series, or really, just doing this work because that’s the fun part. I think I need to appoint a captain for moving forward– someone supportive, who gives me the right mix of what I need and what I want and is always there —

(Suddenly the door busts open)

Hunger: Am I late? Sorry! Where are the snacks?

Me: Fuck it. Almond Butter, you’re in charge.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

****I’m indebted to the entertaining Hallie Cantor who writes funny stuff in the New Yorker magazine. She wrote a piece called My Brain: The All-Hands Meeting; I was inspired to take her idea and translate it into my yoga practice life. I have no good ideas of my own. Give the original a read!