“I really regret going to yoga, said no one ever!” LOL, that’s me here, sweating toxins as the sickness oozes out of my pores and everyone around me moves mats away. How sweet are they to give me some more space! They look so frightened– but it’s ok, if I fall out of this pose or choke on my own mucus while holding it I’ll be fine! It’s just part of my journey, you know? But how sweet. They must be practicing ahimsa, like me.

(Ahimsa means non-harming. I learned it on an Instagram challenge!)

It’s so great to be here. I was told to stay inside and I am inside — inside this hot, airless yoga room, where my germs can get out and mingle. My friend said I can’t get on an airplane because this rash might set off red flags about Ebola (she’s a doctor, such a worrywart!), but thank goodness I can just walk into this packed heated yoga class and practice self-care. My fever is only 103.9 and this is just what the doctor ordered.

Not a real doctor, LOL. I’m practicing ahimsa.

Do you like the way I turned the space for students’ personal items into my own bar/apothecary/nursing station? I brought kombucha, apple cider vinegar, lemon water, a Daily Harvest smoothie and CBD oil. Don’t worry, there’s space for your water bottle next to my used tissues. Want a sip of my booch? I made it myself while home with this cold, or Mono or whatever…

You’re welcome to try it– it’s good for you. I’m practicing ahimsa.

Look at all my sweat! Oh, don’t worry yogi friends! I alternate between hot and cold so any sweat generated just freeze dries right up– nothing that could land on you! (Mind my snot though, it seems to get everywhere.)

It’s called self-care.

If you want to get all science-y (if you believe in science, LOL) germs could hang out in droplets flying from any of my 800 sneezes during this class. But would it be my fault if you got sick? Nope. That would be your own karma playing out —perhaps you gave someone smallpox in a past life? So you really can’t blame me if you get this cold or pneumonia or hand, foot and mouth disease — or smallpox (is that still a thing?) I’m contagious if you follow the CDC, but my astrologer says it’s your karma putting you in the bullseye of my germs.

Try practicing ahimsa!

Say you get sick, how ‘bout you thank your lucky stars? Every problem is just an opportunity. You create your own reality, so having a sickness that turns out to be a disease we thought had been eradicated (with this rash, maybe it’s Measles?) is just an opportunity to burn some bad karma. You should thank me–

I’m practicing ahimsa, you know.

Look at that sea of dirty tissues growing over the floor of this yoga room like a meadow, overtaking the mats next to me. Think of it as an offering. Take my nectar, yogis– whoa, is it actually that green, my snot?

Hey, can I borrow your block? Can I hold your ankles while I try to do wheel pose, assuming my mucus slimed/germ droplet smeared hands aren’t too slippy, of course. Pardon me while I head to my “bar” for a sip of lemon water, followed by ACV. It helps the fire ravaging my throat. Must be this silly Streptococcus!

Whoops! Here’s your block back.

I think I’ve actually caught a case of yoga fever! Hope you don’t mind the smell of VapoRub, Calamine and oregano oil. Uh huh, that’s all me. It’s strong but it works! Are you sensitive to noxious smells? Sounds like you’re getting walloped by Mercury Retrograde.  

No, I’m not taking antibiotics. Duh!

I don’t need to fly internationally (it’s forbidden) so it’s no biggie to let this ride out naturally, blissfully, in fact– the hallucinogenic fever dreams are wowzers.

Maybe I’m not sick, but enlightened. The wound is the place where the light enters….

Must be all this ahimsa I’m practicing.

Who’s to say I’m sick anyway? That’s just the patriarchy talking. It’s misogynistic, really, calling a woman speckled with rash, barking out coughs and spewing snot “sick.” Next, they’ll call me crazy.

Inhale the good vibes of this class, exhale pestilence, MMR, flu…..

I’m gonna have to get to class with my favorite teacher. She’s six months pregnant and I just want to put my ear on her belly to listen for that baby, that is, if I can hear anything over my loud cough–

and by “cough,” in my reality, I mean the sound of my chakras singing–

I’m practicing ahimsa, you know.