What National Emergency? A Multiple Choice Test You Can Take For As Long As You Want**

(1)  Which of the following could cause a national emergency:

(a)  The President boasting about about the size and power of his Nuclear Power “button” in a Tweet to the leader of North Korea

(b)  Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez appearing anywhere and saying anything

(c)  Aliens landing on earth and covering the entire planet with green goo

(d)  If people don’t do what you want — that causes a national emergency because with a national emergency (after playing with the idea for a while) you can force them to do whatever– like pay for a wall

(e)  Butterfinger candy(a Snickers would have made more of an impact, right?)

(2)  Which of the items described below indicates there is national emergency and/or the presence of a woman possessing some sort of power that you clearly find fucking threatening:

(a)  A video of Congresswoman dancing in some college spirit montage

(b)  Hillary Clinton announcing she will run for President

(c)  Elizabeth Warren announcing she will run for President

(d)  Nancy Pelosi not doing what the President wants despite being offered Butterfinger candy

(3)  Which of the statements below is true? A national emergency occurs:

(a)  When the President steals ten minutes of airtime and your life for a national address saying the same things he’s been saying for years about illegal immigrants laying waste to the country and causing all your problems even though your biggest problem is that you haven’t been paid in 26 days because of the shutdown

(b)  When the President interrupts your television show to give a speech from the Oval Office, forcing you to turn off the TV to watch Birdbox on Netflix after stopping to get some Butterfinger on your way

(c)  When you don’t even have a TV but hear about the address the next day on Twitter but are too busy with the #howharddidaginghityouchallenge

(d)  When there is, by definition, an urgent situation– and they’ll decide if there is one if and when the President doesn’t get his way. Bye-bye!

 

(4)  Which of the following is a sign that we are in the midst of a “Crisis of the Soul”

(a)  Federal employees working for weeks without pay– as in no paychecks, no receipt of the money used to live–to pay rent and feed themselves– you know, nothing important OR ANYTHING

(b)  The unwillingness of Republicans to override the President with a Veto, as if they’ve never heard of checks and balances like the rest of us did in fifth grade and it’s their job– that’s the deal, three branches of government– do we really need to go over this?

(c)  A presidency achieved with a campaign now being investigated all over

(d)  Something happening at the border. You’re not sure what (to be honest, you’d need to google it) but supposedly it’s an emergency, maybe, if someone decides it is after, wow, it’s been a long time hey– what about those children separated from their parents at the border via his executive order?

(e)  Your new fear of flying because with airport workers calling in sick the T.S.A. is essentially working on the honor system now

(f)  Butterfinger being offered by the President as a bargaining tool in a meeting with Democrats (couldn’t he at least have gone with Snickers?)

(5)  How long do you have to complete this test

(a)  As long as it takes for eminent domain cases to proceed to completion which is necessary before wall construction, not to mention the time it would take to actually erect a wall or fence

(b)  26 days and counting, without pay

(c)  Not much, because Alexandria Ocasio-Cortes is about to post something

(d)  Not much, because you suddenly want a Snickers

(e)  Take all the time you need, what’s the hurry? — It’s only a national emergency

Answers: Depends on who you voted for in the last Presidential election and if you’d vote the same way again, and, well, we’re kind of phoning the answer key in because we’re federal employees and everyone called in sick as we’re on Day 26 without pay so — just pick the answers you like!

**This non-yoga blog Inspired by a recent episode of the Podcast Pod Save America, the only podcast about current events that makes me laugh (instead of cry)