Images herein by Zoe Ward aka @unrulyascetic on Insta
On Taking His Yoga Class During Your Pregnancy:
Do I care that you have an established practice? Do I care that you’re a prenatal yoga teacher and an ayurvedic doula? Stop talking, cherie. The fact remains– and this I feel from my blond dreadlocks to gonads– that I’m a man and you aren’t, so the best thing is to listen to me and take your pregnant alien body out of here. What are you going to do if we twist? Like modify it or something? This won’t work.
On Parenthood And Practice Based On Experience With Pet Fish
Ah, motherhood. I feel you. I feel you, deep down to the ends of my man bun here, wanting to know from me– even though you didn’t ask– about the impact of motherhood on a daily yoga practice. Let me tell you about your personal experience with this.
While I don’t have any children– aside of course from my own personal inner child, who frankly, takes much care and consideration– I did have a pet goldfish. His name was Baby.
So I know what it’s like to have to take care of someone else with needs. Breastfeeding, fish flakes, same same– you should read about Zen Buddhism and maybe you’d understand that but ah, here we are. Let me explain it: I’ve learned that time on my mat makes it easier to deal with those middle of the night feedings when you realize you’ve forgotten to feed Baby for the past week. And when you probably killed Baby, because maybe you forgot to feed him while acro-yoga retreating in Bali. So, there’s my two cents you never asked for. Oh– I hate to say this, but if you want to practice here you must show up at least four days a week between 6:30 and 8:30am. If your Baby is like mine, he’s probably sleeping at that time anyway (if he’s not, you’re doing it wrong). PS– your breasts are bangin’! Also, you look tired.
On Your Female Curves
Wow. It’s amazing you can do yoga and still have a butt. Maybe it’s my angular male hips talking, or my belief that I’m better than you and you shouldn’t be able to do what my manliness can do, but I find that impressive in my own patronizing way. Most people would quit if they had to lift a butt with cheeks. Your yoga practice is supposed to eliminate butt cheeks, so you must be doing it wrong or be a weird outlier like a healthy woman. You do you! So brave. Or don’t. Let me tell you about what’s really brave, though…..
On Whether Or Not She Feels The Need To Pee
You shouldn’t have to pee during your yoga practice because I don’t, unless of course you drink a gallon of water half hour before. So don’t do that. Why should it matter if you’re pregnant, have had a baby, have pelvic floor issues that you’re totally unaware of because no one in this country cares for postpartum women, least of all me (indeed there are some countries where women who have given birth meet with a pelvic floor PT). Like, if you can’t not pee for 90 minutes during practice you’re doing everything wrong. I’m a Reiki lover too, so I’m basically a doctor and also I’m a man. Hence my authority on every subject.
Did I say Bandhas yet? Bandhas. And try peeing standing up. Works for me!
On You, Having Met You Just Seconds Ago
Hi! I’ve just hyperventilated into your studio after pounding on the locked door ‘cause your little packed class started twenty minutes ago. Let me tell you about you: You are type A, pitta and stress-y. I figured you out in ten seconds. Just look at your pitta-ful self, locking the door 15 minutes after class started! Have I mentioned I’m a yoga teacher? I have a gazillion followers on Instagram. Also, I can handstand. I can do a one-armed handstand. I can do a handstand kiss. I invented handstands and can recite the Bhagavad Gita by heart. Can you do a handstand? Never mind, back to me: I sing kirtan and do healing workshops with cacao (or instant hot chocolate powder with marshmallows if that’s all I’ve got).
Did you say, “You should try that?”
Don’t ever “should yourself!” You should listen to me and stop shoulding all over yourself and let me should all over you instead. But you should come to my healing instant cocoa workshop so I can fix that awful type A thing we both know you have. You’re welcome.
On Your Uterus, Monthly Cycle And Vagina
A wise old man without a uterus once decreed that women shouldn’t practice while on their period (or touch him, touch his food, and for Ganesh’s sake keep their freaky ass moon-abiding selves far the F away from him and like, even sleep outside– but who’s counting?)
Look, the last thing a woman needs is for yet another man to tell her about her body, but–
I will anyway. After all, I’m schooled in not only what other previous male yogis have said, but also what mansplaining doctors say including me (I’m basically a doctor because I took AP Bio, still watch Grey’s Anatomy and New Amsterdam and I’m studying to become an erotic tantric massage therapist). I’m a master belly rubber too, of both humans and dogs, so I know how these female organs work intimately. So, did you know how yoga can help transform your cycle into bliss? Or why you shouldn’t practice on it because ugh, ew! Just ask and I’ll tell you! Or don’t, and I’ll tell you anyway. Of course, far be it for me to explain your body to you….
But I will. So, based on what the great wealth of mansplainers before me have said, do not practice on your monthly thing I’m too embarrassed to call by its name. Oh, is it true that some female voices support this? Cute. Back to what the wise old man yogis and I were saying…. And hey, let me know if you want me to break the female orgasm down for you.
On Whether He Needs Your Consent For A Fucked-Up Assist He Calls “The Diaper Change” (Spoiler Alert: He doesn’t)
So, I’m just going to straddle her legs around my waist with my knees under her butt, place my hands low on her abdomen, rock from side to side….hmmm, what did you say about finding this fucked up?
“This is a very good important conversation for us to have” — so I’ll talk and you listen, that’s a good girl (head pat). Someone suggested once that I need to ask for consent before performing this assist. (It was a woman, so I didn’t care.) Can you just imagine asking for permission to perform the “Diaper Change”– aka, the creepiest, most infantalizing, disgustingly named power-dynamic-issues-much assist ever?
That won’t work.
On His “Human” Perspective That Trumps All
I’ve never been pregnant. I’ve never had a baby. I don’t even sport this Man bun everyday.
But what I have been– is human. I possess a uniquely human perspective developed in my twenty-six years as a white male. WE ARE ONE. Isn’t my human perspective just more important than anything anyone else could ever have to say from a small niche perspective like….that of a woman? I just don’t see differences anymore. I see the Human perspective, you know–
Mine.