Join us for our most dramatic season ever as our newest Bachelorette, Jane — your average woman with a yoga mat– searches for her very own special spiritual guide from our cast of Master guru giants. Will she find enlightenment, nirvana and heart-melting bliss?
Let’s meet our guru guys and find out!
Pattabhi Jois, aka “Old Dirty Bastard,” Age: Grandpa. P.J. is a dead yoga deity known for birthing the legit lineage known as Ashtanga Yoga. But Jane, what you may not know is that Mr. PJ aka ODB is also your quintessential dirty old man. If you like your spiritual teachers high on yogic principles about sexual integrity but loose on them with his female students– look no further this “Guruji.” Say, Jane, would you like to stand up from a big backbend to feel a big ol’ boner against your body? Fancy getting dry humped, crotch-grabbed or finger-raped while your legs are behind your head? Land this guru so you too can receive these masterful rape-y “yogic adjustments” and other sh$t that you never asked for from a downward dog, including decades of silence about PJ’s grabby hands but endless words about his loveliness? This ODB is searching for the right women to target. As he likes to say, “practice and all is coming” (hint: it’s the re-branding of “digital rape” as a yoga adjustment, Jane).
B.K.S. Iyengar, aka Mr. “Bang, Kick, Slap,” Age: Old and Scary. Another dead Yoga icon, BKS is the author of “Light on Yoga,” the owner of fantastic poses and fan of conservation. He’s famous too- There’s a B.K.S. day in San Fran and a commemorative stamp in his honor. But there’s more than meets the eye with this guru. (Psst- do you like it a little rough, Jane? We won’t tell if you like your yoga with a side of 50 shades.) Fancy being barked at, humiliated, yelled at, roughed up in adjustments whilst everyone watches the “Master” at work? Then give this man a rose. Did we mention his tiger?
Osho, aka “Wild One” (as in Netflix’s Wild Wild Country), Age: Galdalf. I heard you were a wild one, Jane– so if you’re sick of prim ascetic spirituality, this might be the dead guru for you. Mr Osho O-No-He-Didn’t is just a fun-loving free spirit you can love for his beautiful instagrammable quotes or you can get your ass in his cult for the sexcapades at his commune, that is, when he’s not busy getting high on nitrous oxide. If you’re lucky, you too might up in jail for assasination plots or bioterrorism acts committed in his honor. He also loves Valium, the color red and collecting 93 Rolls Royces. Get yourself a gun, girl and give him a rose!
Bikram- aka “Yoga’s Harvey Weinstein,” Age- 105 degrees of asshole. Some like it hot, and this contestant wants to torture you with sweat (from fear or yoga, TBD!) Likes: speedos, Bollywood, late night rapes/sexual assaults/abuse in his hotel room, verbal abuse of students (“Fatty” “Miss boobs,” “Big Ass” and so on). Dislikes: the color green (It’s forbidden in his presence– don’t even come near him with that green juice). Massages, on the other hand, are not only welcome but f*cking required, Jane—you want to be the next “Miss Boobs” or “Jane Doe. No. 2,” don’t you? Not to be outdone by the other contestants, this self-described “Most Spiritual Man You Ever met” has a Rolex (duh), a whopping 40 Bentley’s and Rolls Royces and a gaggle of sexual assault lawsuits, including a sexual harassment suit brought against him by his own lawyer. Lock your knee and catch this fugitive already, Jane!
John Friend, aka “Dumbledore Power Whore,” Age: Still Alive— is, like so many of our guru contestants, a jet setting global celebrity and inventor of his own Yoga brand, Anusara. In his spare time — when not leading a Yoga empire or preaching about “trust,” Mr. Friendly enjoys sex with students, marijuana, fire twirlers, hula hoopers, and financial misdeeds– he even moonlights as leader of an all-female (save for his manliness) Wiccan coven, the kind fond of naked meetings (naturally). This friendly dude could be the one– to spiral your inner thighs and melt your heart!
Michael Roach, aka “Monk-y Business,” Age: Also Kinda Old, is a Gelupka Buddhist Monk (who broke his monastic vows by marrying his student, a woman 20 years younger– but I bet you already figured that, Jane), a successful diamond businessman and author of books about Tibetan Buddhism, the karma of love, Yoga, and business. Mr. Roach (pun intended) fancies silent servile followers, karmic gas-lighting and black magic–you know, the usual. He’s bagged a Russian banking conglomerate client and is himself pictured on public buses in China. This man of intrigue is not only the academically decorated founder of Diamond Mountain/karmic sex cult but have you heard the story of the horrific death of one of his converts in a remote Arizona cave? Imagine, Jane– this could be you!
Wait, where are you going, Jane? We have so many more potential guru suitors to meet. We’ve not even touched on all the swamis and babas and– what about Amrit Desai from Kripalu? We even have guys from major Western religions too, Catholic priests and Southern Baptists. We could scrounge up a woman too (though, between us, Jane, no one actually takes women seriously in positions of authority, do they, or else Hillary would be President, amiright?). Wait Jane– don’t you want to get enlightened? You need someone to show you the way, Jane, no one can figure this life stuff out on her own.
After all, it’s worth it, Jane– enlightenment seems to come with a Rolls Royce.