The Five Stages of Getting The Next Pose
Stage One: Elation.
Oh happy Day! Joy! Fist Bumps. Internal and external high fives. You go girl. Neuroses vanish. Chakras Align. Face glows. Social media positivity makes so much sense. You love everyone. Life is beautiful. Yay more poses! All the Poses! Oh the places you’ll go!
Stage Two: Anger.
F*ck this shit you are not going anywhere. Who came up with this lunacy [insert one: marichyasana D, any bind, any lotus, supta kurmasana, kapotasana, standing up with one leg behind your head, any pose with your leg behind your head, any pose in third series, any any series pose, tic tocs, dropping back, standing back up, catching, any “sit on my what?” pose e.g. janu sirsasana b and so on]?
this sh*t is bananas
Stage Three: Bargaining (The Art Of The Yoga Deal):
Look, we just got here to this lovely pose. We don’t need another pose. We just [insert one: landed/lifted/bound/balanced/nearly died] with the current pose. Let it simmer. Let it percolate. Let the practice as is saturate the nadis and vayus [insert any other words you’ve heard or read in your yoga life but can’t exactly remember what they mean but just say them with confidence anyway]. Stoop lower, appeal to teacher vulnerabilities or create some: “you don’t want to be that kind of teacher do you… the one who moves people on too fast too soon….” When this does not work — at all! — appeal to tradition: “What about primary? Isn’t it primary for a reason? Let’s go back to the source, the asana motherland. Luxuriate in the sun salutations, taste the nectar of navasana, never mind forget I said navasana I meant to say trikonasana! What about breathing, hmmm? Chanting?
Finally, threaten to quit, to take up Bikram or crossfit or invent a new form of Bikram-crossfit.
Stage Four: Denial (The Asana Shutdown):
NO MORE POSES! You never said you wanted more poses. Did you say that? No. You certainly didn’t. You’re fine here, ok? You’re good. Content. This is what f*cking santosha looks like so there! Really, how you could you possibly do more; this has to end, does it ever end? Nobody actually does how many series are there again? You should have left when you found out about “moon days” woo woo. Isn’t everything after primary — or at least everything you don’t like or aren’t naturally good at — just for demonstration or genetically mutant rhythmic gymnasts? And besides, you never said you wanted more poses. Practice and all is NOT coming. No. Never.
Stage Five: Jaded Cynical Yogic Martyrdom (with Elements of Anxiety, Depression and Uh, is he/she/it? OK? borne badly with a huge chip on your shoulder as everyone around you plows through poses like they emerged from the womb with legs behind their heads whilst walking on their hands in the midst of the deepest backbend ever yeah EXCEPT for you so you alone bear the cross the albatross left to fester with this pose, really it’s like you’re the P.O.W. of this f*cking pose for an eternity of [insert one: 5 minutes, 3 days, 3 weeks, 9 months, Two years, One presidential term, a decade, or one presidential term plus another that isn’t done ]
You haunt the Mysore room, a wise elder statesman with multiple personality disorder/ like Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant, you’ve seen things– indeed you’ve aged 20 years in these [insert one: 5 minutes, 3 days, 3 weeks, you get the drill by now….]. You watch those around you progress and plunder like ninjas as you flail without GOING ANY F*CKINGWHERE, and, well, privately you think “this isn’t fair!” and wish, like an evil fairy mysore fairy, for some trickle-down learning experiences aka SUFFERRING, as in, “you had to struggle and they didn’t before moving on! You had to bind all by yourself and recite perfect sanskrit names and walk five miles in the cold without proper footwear to the mysore room with your heavy mat on your back and then bind marichy D by yourself before moving on AND SO SHOULD EVERYONE ELSE, or at least if that is easy for them maybe they should just stay there anyway because damn it just isn’t fair!
Publicly, of course, you shall spin this as the great learning obtained from your struggles on this journey, you’re a Pema Chodron quote incarnate, you’ve just learned soooooo much from sucking at this pose for [5 minutes, 3 days, 3 weeks, 9 months, Two years, One presidential term, a decade, or one presidential term plus another that isn’t done yet] it’s invaluable, sucking like this, this growth, this character building, you wouldn’t be so wise, it’s like you’re Arjuna and the pose is Krishna and the rest of you, poor, progressing powerhouse babies –never mind that some of us are the same age, You’ve aged metaphorically, not that they would understand!] you learn so much from being stuck on a pose you guys, you, prolific achievers, you just wouldn’t know what you’re missing with those PERFECT tic tocs on YOUR FIRST TRY you know because of this struggle why you are practically enlightened, yes and creating your great works [insert one: instagram post/ twitter rant/ Facebook confession/ blog post/ youtube video of interpretive dance/ podcast if you can ever figure out how to make one]. But really, you have found just so much truth, this struggle, being like so lame has made you so strong, in fact–
you are GRATEFUL for this struggle,
for being forced to fester in a pool of your own cant-do-this-for-shit-ness.
You could stay like this forever!
Stage One: Elation (with elements of denial and complete amnesia of the past [insert one: 5 minutes, 3 days, 3 weeks, 9 months, Two years, One presidential term, a decade, or one presidential term plus another that isn’t done yet but you wish it was kind of like your struggles with this pose]). You’re giving me the next pose? I did it? Moving on? This is it, this is where the enlightenment and growth is, progress! It’s All The Poses Season Motherf*ckers! Oh Happy Day! Joy!
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*i love this blog post, i linked it because I learned from it and loved it!
Also linked herein:
“You Stop There” Lessons from Sharath Jois and Reflections on the Mysore Method