New Yoga Teacher Vocabulary List: Yummy Manifestations of Nonsensical Abundance


Manifest/Radiance/Abundance/Vibrance: these words may as well be one as they are interchangeably void. Indeed, their meaning and power is in their lack of meaning which, when wielded properly conveys the deepest meaningful meaninglessness. Use these abundantly empty words in verb or noun form as one word answers to just about anything as in, what’s yoga all about? Radiance. Still, their lack of functionality functions best when they are braided together in any indecipherable combination, preferably with repetition in unsolicited email newsletters about, for example, abundant manifestations of vibrance.

Yummy: used to mean something other than what the word means as a form of praise. Example: Your yoga class and adjustments should be “yummy.”  Note: “yummy” results are best achieved when the students have never consumed legit Italian gelato. Good luck.

Vertebrae (singular, even though it’s plural): referring to…well, who knows exactly what they are, but there’s more than one of these bony-ish fascia-maybe things that can be rolled up or down to and from a forward fold. No one cares. You still say: “Roll up one vertebrae at a time.” Technically, this is impossible– on how many levels, I’ve not counted, but on a grammatical one for sure. Open your third eye: You’re a yoga teacher now, which means you have to throw reality out the window like a bag of your ex’s shit and ride your unicorn into abundance. There, the rules of grammar do not apply to you, any more than the rules of science. Always say vertebrae, always, whether referring to one, or more than one, of whatever these bones? are.

Other Science-y, anatomical-ish, wellness-y buzzwords (need no definition): Facial. Fascia. Aural Photography. Anus. Psoas. Sit Bones. Biomechanical. Bibbity bobbity boo. Neuroscience. Numerology. Planetary. Plantar fasciitis. Proprioception. Pancreas. Quantam Mechanics. Mercury. Mammalian. Mitochondria. Camel milk. Kinesthetic. Kali. Kidneys. Kelly Clarkson. Connective tissue. Convefe. Cordyceps. Ischial Tuberosity. Tantric.

Simply sprinkle these terms like bee pollen into your classes. By uttering these words you harness their power, regardless of how you use them or what you know or do not know about them.

Note: these also work as band names.

Goddess: it is customary to refer to yourself and every female as a mythological female deity. I’m a goddess you’re a goddess. We’re all fucking goddesses. Note: men are not gods.

Conscious: a “choose your own adventure” kind of word to take up space anytime you need a word in space, for example, in a yoga class description. Bottom line: People are unconscious. You will make them conscious. This is scientific fact.

Tox (as in “detox” “retox” and  “botox”): people are filled with toxes, and sometimes lack enough of the right toxes, such as beer. There is a very scientific biomechanical tox balance to be maintained so some yoga classes with remove toxes and others will add toxes. Mostly, people are walking talking toxic mold spores. They come to your class to be rid of these toxes which you will myofascially expel by giving anatomically impossible cues, stringing words together in nonsensical non sequiturs, and delivering Oprah-esque inspiring sermons whilst applying external heat, drips of essential oil and saying “inhale” or “exhale.”  You will thereby make space for the intake of new toxes– hence “retox.” This is space which, of course, you will hold.

Journey: functions as the catch-all answer to all questions you don’t know the answer to.  Ex: Q. Can I rent a mat? A. “It’s your journey.”

Ahimsa: means not harming others, but may also be used to make threats, cast judgment– and even as a marketing tool for cleanses and thirty day challenges. Also known as a tattoo/hashtag.

Hold Space (may require a ouija board): as a master space holder you will hold space for students to continue their journeys into expanding unconsciousness into conscious vibration. “Holding space” also describes how you will protect the bodies of people in savasana, or final rest, from invasion by spirits and supernatural beings entering the room (throwing a fistful of ashwaganda into the air, spinning three times, and smudging some sage usually does the trick). Also means holding the space so that energy doesn’t get too energetic. Does this sound confusing? Great, that means you’re getting it.

Savasana: rest for those vulnerable bodies. Also a photo op for you to splash those bodies all over social media.




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2 thoughts on “New Yoga Teacher Vocabulary List: Yummy Manifestations of Nonsensical Abundance

    • Hi Anne! I am with you! Don’t stay home– just find out in advance from the teacher.

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