Instagram Yoga Tutorials: Easy Peasy Guides to Handstand, Handstand Kisses, Bending Backwards To Grab Your Own Shins And This Pose We Made Up For An Insta Challenge That’s So F*cked Up It Doesn’t Have A Name

featured picture by Zoe Ward @unrulyascetic

Handstand: The Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy Guide

  1. Place hands on floor
  2. Lift one left into the air
  3. Lift the other leg up till your entire body is upside down and vertical!

Easy Peasy! You’ve done it.

 > a few pitfalls to avoid:

  • If you fall forward into a backbend, you’ve gone too far!
  • If you don’t get up, you haven’t gone far enough!

Remember to come down slowly with gravity-defying control! 

Easy Peasy!

Not included with this tutorial:

  1. 8-pack (genetic abnormality)
  2. Gymnastics gold medal, Beijing 2008
  3. First handstand before potty training
  4. Ten years daily ashtanga practice
  5. Man bun (balance counterpoint)
  6. Meticulously groomed facial hair (also helps with balance)
  7. Natural physical propensity for handstand, perhaps due to genetic abnormalities, X-Men memberships and so on.
  8. Blessings from the good fairy
  9. Parents who are cirque du soleil stars and/or professional ballet dancers/Navy Seals/aliens
  10. X-Men membership (something to do with the 8-pack)

Catching! AKA Bending Over Backwards to Catch Your Own Thighs: The Easy Peasy Guide!

  1. From standing, drop backwards into a backbend.
  2. Lift onto your fingertips.
  3. Walk your fingers towards your ankles
  4. Grab your ankles
  5. Walk your hands up your legs to your knees and/or thighs.

Bravo! You’ve Done it! Easy Peasy!

Not included with tutorial:

  1. Bat shit craziness
  2. Ten years regular Ashtanga yoga/Bikram practice.
  3. Obliviousness that comes from years of practice at being completely out of touch with reality for most humans
  4. A genetic condition whereby the spine assumes the consistency of a well-cooked udon noodle
  5. Shock therapy, weekly
  6. Rhythmic gymnastics medals
  7. Daily chiropractic treatments
  8. A rare virus that results in the hot angry psoas muscle morphing into one long gummy worm.

 Handstand Kiss: A Short And Hot Easy Peasy Guide!

  1. Be hot. Like, Gigi Hadid model hot.
  2. Have a partner who is hot– say, a pop star, like Shawn Mendes.
  3. Master the Easy Peasy Guide to Handstand (while being super hot)
  4. Do a handstand while your hot partner does a handstand, facing each other.
  5. Kiss!!

Easy Peasy! You’ve Done it. For Bonus Likes, try step 6:

  1. Have Vogue photographer document while in Paris

Not included with this tutorial:

  1. Hotness
  2. Paris
  3. Shawn Mendes
  4. Knee into partner’s nuts
  5. Head butts/teeth bangs/broken noses
  6. EMDR sessions with therapist to address PTSD from your attempt at a handstand kiss with your significant other
  7. Vogue photographer
  8. Couples’ therapy for resentment/hurt/trauma stemming back to the day you and your partner attempted this tutorial
  9. Gigi Hadid
  10. No sex for at least two weeks following you and your partner’s attempt to make a handstand kiss post on Instagram (which, of course you did, duh! and the post got a gazillion likes and #couplegoals up the wazoo, but at home you did not speak for at least two weeks)
  11. Lingerie
  12. What to do if your partner’s proportions are different from yours such that if upside down your face is at his belly button not his face (see above re: knee into nuts)
  13. Shawn Mendes (again, because, sigh, Shawn Mendes)

This Pose We Made Up For An Insta Challenge That Shall Not Be Named Because It’s That F*cked Up: The Easy Peasy Guide!

  1. Sign this waiver!
  2. Find a Glacier Near Rocks/Balcony/Cliff/Skyscraper rooftop etc.
  3. Get upside down on one hand, twist your legs around, hollow your back, twist, put one ankle on the other leg or something like that– while perilously balanced in front of rocks, freezing cold waters, death defying heights, etc., and so on

Bonus: A dog kissing your foot or face

Bonus Two: A peacock, because the feathers are cool

Voila! Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy!

Not included with this tutorial:

  1. Prayers to Beezelebub
  2. A national park and/or glacier/cliff/rocks/skyscraper roof/toxic lakes/balcony
  3. What’s wrong with you?
  4. This is f*cked up
  5. Absence of the fear section of brain, like Alex Honnold, or that part of the brain that says “no” to f*cked up stuff, like Alex Honnold
  6. Alex Honnold’s abs
  7. Dog or peacock
  8. Even your dog thinks this is f*cked up
  9. Lawyers
  10. Vial of Starlight and other gifts from the Elf Queen ensuring that your crazy ass will be ok 
  11. Years of physical therapy and EMDR after attempting this pose that shall not be named for an insta yoga challenge 
  12. Really?

if you like this post, check out this one, from two years ago: http://www.jeanmarieyoga.com/yoga/blog/americas-next-top-yoga-teacher

This entry was posted in Blog.

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