Note: Inspired by an insta post I saw called “5 Mind-Clearing Yoga Poses” including several shown below. Naturally I asked the uber-talented Zoe Ward of @unrulyascetic on Insta if she would lend her drawings for my blog, and she said yes! I happen to think they are the most entertaining bit herein. All illustrations herein are by Zoe Ward, and all words on her images belong to her as well.* 

 

DOWNWARD DOG:  

Resting pose my ass.

 

WIDE-LEGGED FORWARD BEND (Prasarita Paddottansana):

Are these pants see-through? Oh sh&t, that guy is behind me and he’s uhh probably eye level with my ass or maybe my $&*#. Am I wearing a thong? No. I’m naked under these pants…. Oh god I hope they aren’t see through I mean why the F&ck would a $100 Yoga legging be see through? Can’t they use enough f*cking fabric to fortify more than our chakras! I refuse to believe this is just another sign my third eye is opening, teacher… But really why the f*ck can’t they make $100 Yoga pants that aren’t see through?

 

 

 

 

DWI PADA (aka what the f*ck pose):

Why. Why. Why. Why.

Really…

Why?

 

 

 

FOREARM STAND (Pincha Mayurasana):

DEATH! FEAR! I AM GOING TO DIE! DEATH! DECAPITATION! F$#%$5 Sh$%$$ B&*&% Motherf*$&@# &%&%$  *&^%* $#%# How many people have died or been beheaded doing this? No, DO NOT google that ever! DEATH! Dying…..

Ugh! What’s that smell?

 

 

 

 

 

 

KARANDAVASANA (aka sweat-tears-bruises-goddammit pose):

Motherf*cker.

(this is not egregious profanity but an accurate quote from the Mysore room of a thought I had– out loud!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CHILD’S POSE:

Who farted? 

 

LOTUS POSE OR LOCUST (AKA Shalabhasana):

Ha! This backbend pose is called Lotus, not Locust. This teacher is so dumb I can’t wait to tell her after class. I just graduated from a 200-hr TT online with Astrologer CERTIFICATION and add-on Alchemical Crystal Healer 5-hour workshop– so I know! This isn’t even “locust” pose at all, it’s “lotus.” Duh. It’s in the Yoga Sutures and everything.

 

 

 

 

DHANURASANA (AKA Bow Pose): 

Thighs Burn! Thighs Burn! THIGHS BURN! No one’s watching–Count fast: 1-2-3-3-5!

Huh-Is that a toenail clipping?

 

 

 

 

SHOULDERSTAND: 

Ugh, my toes are gross! I need a pedicure. And that totally was a toenail clipping…. Oh god I hope no one thinks it’s mine! Someone needs to tell that girl we can all see through her yoga pants in every f*cking forward fold. Hey what’s this yoga song? I know it’s that guy who sings all the Yoga songs on all the Yoga class playlists but I have no idea … he’s just saying namo? And … “jay?”? Remember to ask the teacher after class about the jay song and oh also about that song she played Saturday in hip hop yoga, the one about butts or was it asses? 

Oh and– Remember to get milk!

 

DOWNWARD DOG AGAIN:

I repeat: Resting pose my ass!

FOR THE LOVE OF &*&% what is that SMELL? That dead rodent/ dirty boys’ gym socks tapped in a locker since the Paleolithic age-bacterial smell?  HOW CAN YOU NOT SMELL THAT?*

 

HANDSTAND SCORPION (AKA Vrschikasana):

Think Kino. Think Kino! That’s it- think Kino! Kino. Kino. Kino. Kino. Kino. Kino. Kino. Your Mantra is KINO!
KINO!

 OMG LOOK WHAT I CAN DO! I gotta instastory this and be just like “America’s Next Top Yoga Teacher.” It just needs the perfect quote, like:

 “Good Vibez Only!”

Or maybe… “YOLO”?

Kino MacGregor, eat your heart out. 

 

CHILD’S POSE:

“I really regret going to Yoga said no one ever” —

BUT ME!  I regret this! God it’s hot as hell in here.

HANDSTAND:

It is totally not hot enough in here.

SAVASANA:

SHUT UP YOGA TEACHER!  We get it, you’re a torchbearer of Spirituality because you read a Pema Chodron quote on Instagram this morning and yeah yeah great about the Workshop next weekend being announced in every damn class NOW PLEASE STOP TALKING SO MY MIND CAN BE QUIET LIKE YOGA CHITTA VRITTI NIRODHAH and all that! 

I mean really, I just want to continue this text conversation I was having before class here inside my head.

Hmm….what am i gonna eat after this? Eggs? Or maybe a Smoothie? You know, Pete Holmes was right: Mike Pence really does look like a clear gummy bear. … mmm….gummy bears. Yeah, I think eggs.

Or maybe a smoothie.

CHILD’S POSE

Ugh! That smell! Wait….

It’s me.

---

*
Hey! This post was inspired when I saw a post about “5 Mind-Clearing Yoga Poses” As if all one needs to do when faced with an onslaught of mind clutter about say, your husband loading the dishwasher wrong or anything in the news or that email you got– well it’s a miracle! All you gotta do is boom! one downward dog and zap! you’re as clear as a pina colada flavored gummy bear. I took a sarcastic slay to that notion but in my experience the practice as a whole works, not an individual pose busted out as a magic pill. The practice as a whole — on the mat and in the whole life– works to bring things to the surface and help clear the way for ….. ah sometimes more than I asked for.

But one pose to clear your mind or cure a broken heart?

I asked the multi-talented Zoe Ward of @unrulyascetic on Insta if she would lend her drawings for my blog, and I think they are the best part. All illustrations herein are by Ms. Ward, and all words written on such illustration images (as dwi pada to my right) are hers too.

I hope you enjoyed this more than dwi pada 🙂 And–

Here’s what really reminds me of practice:

“It certainly is true that repetitive work is a way into prayer…Something that occupies your body but lets your mind–not wander completely free–but at least as free to embrace prayer.” 

~Quote from a Benedictine monk on weaving, from the BBC “Slow Radio” Podcast (Dec. 19, 2018)