(this piece inspired and based on “How To Buckle Your Baby Into A Carseat In 36 Easy Steps” By Kristen Mulrooney. Featured illustration by Zoe Ward aka @unrulyascetic).

STEP 1:

Dress yourself in yoga pants that aren’t too tight or too thin, or too anything really. Anything too thin will invite a see-thru peep show at your crotch. Anything too Compression-y will render you unable to put your legs behind your head and expose said crotch at all. Best bet is some middle ground between gyn porn shot and Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak, with a square of room-darkening black curtain material cut to cover your crotch — and a filter.

STEP 2:

Take a moment to emotionally prepare yourself for the fact that you will be exposing your crotch, covered or not and the fact that people will be looking at your crotch and perhaps even informing you that they can see your junk. This pose is a crotch shot. There is no pic of this pose that is not a crotch. There is no pose here without a crotch. No crotch, no dwi pada. That’s the deal– aka crotch deal.

STEP 4:

Place your left leg behind your head.

STEP 3:

Make sure you have enough openness and external rotation in your hips and that you’ve been practicing for a while and have a teacher not just facebook comments as a guide and that you didn’t just roll out of bed and try this from Insta because what the f*ck is wrong with you if you do that…and I hope it goes without saying but if you’re on the Ashanga Home Practice FB group and you’re that person with knees made out of recycled red solo cups and hips held together with paper clips and super glue, please don’t bother. If you’re a triple jointed alien from “so you think you can dance,” feel free.

Yes, STEP 3 should have come before STEP 4.

STEP 5:

Place a towel across your  neck so your legs don’t slip off because they’re kinda hanging by a thread. Wait, how does it feel more wrong now? This doesn’t make sense. The air on your crotch is messing with you.

STEP 6:

Put your second leg behind your head. Bring first foot over to your ear. Pull foot to your shoulder. What?

STEP 7:

Bandhas…And Nothing. Stop and google Kino legs behind head dwi pada. Watch video of Kino putting legs behind her head while talking with wavy perfect blond locks and shorts and a SMILE. Try to do pose like Kino. Feel existential crisis in your crotch.

STEP 8:

Adjust the legs so you can sit up tall like Richard Freeman. Who are you kidding? You do not look like Richard Freeman. Crotch crisis deepens.

STEP 9:

Lean forward a little but not too much or you’ll slam your face into the floor and break your nose, but not too far back or you’ll fall backwards and decapitate yourself with slingshotting feet. Congratulations! You have successfully put both legs behind your head and exposed your crotch. Not pictured: Abs. Non-existent: Abs. 

STEP 10:

Place hands in prayer. Make a wish. (Wish your pants not see-through.) Don’t fart.

STEP 11:

Slowly die inside as teacher tells you, “point your feet!” Your flexed toes are the only things keeping this crotch-fest shit together. 

STEP 12:

Count to five breaths in one nanosecond.

STEP 14:

Don’t flip out, but I think there’s a tiny hole in the crotch

 #crotch bulls-eye.

STEP 15:

F*CK

STEP 16:

Forget it: You are crotch-committed. Place hands down and lift body off the floor (yes with both legs behind head and crotch front and center get over it already).

STEP 17:

You can’t forget. Go to bathroom and place a sock over crotch to triage the “hole” issue. Repeat STEPS 1-16 again.

STEP 18:

Shove legs behind head. Hands in prayer, smile like no one is looking at your crotch (which may have a bulge).

STEP 19: 

If you’re a dude, consider STEP 18 to be a plus. 

STEP 20:

Your right leg won’t go in as Richard Freeman-y as the left. Practice non- attachment and self-hatred and wanting to die because who the f*ck invented this BS ANYWAY…

STEP 21:

Google right leg sticky dwi pada. Kino pops up, again– but now on a beach LIKE IN THE OCEAN. SHE DOES THIS WITH SAND? CROTCHES HATE SAND. Crotch inadequacy ensues.

STEP 22:

Place hands down, levitate body off floor, breathe five times (or count to five super fast whatever works after all both feet are behind your head and your crotch is like at the center of attention).

STEP 23: 

Fall backwards instead except it looks a lot worse than you can possibly describe here.

Repeat STEPS 1 to 22.

STEP 24:

Are you breathing? Is your crotch? Go back to STEP 1.

STEP 25:

Video wasn’t running. Repeat STEPS 1-24.

STEP 26:

Congratulations! You successfully put both legs behind your head/exposed crotch to the world! Take perfect crotch shot. Post on Insta. Add Rumi misquote.

#crotchgoals

#crotchcreations

STEP 27:

Check Insta comments after one millisecond. Read bored likes, lazy heart emojis and comments passive aggressively educating you on safer poses, like soundbath yoga and shaming you for displaying a dangerous pose with a crotch shot because honestly? Those pants are a little see-through and…

 isn’t that a hole?

#thewoundistheplacewherethelightenters