Featured Image:

Drawing by Zoe Ward aka @unrulyascetic
Photo by Dustin Ellison, Photographer.

Dear Ashtanga Practitioners:

We regret to inform you that the pose Setu Bandhasana is canceled.

Unfortunately, due to the rapid infectious spread of the Covid-19 Virus and InstaLive Yoga, we’ve come to the decision that we cannot safely keep this beloved pose open during this time, even if you are hoarding hand sanitizer.

We understand how difficult this news may be for you to hear. 

While it is incredibly disappointing for us to say good-bye to this most treasured-ly detested, avoided, and quickest five breaths making pose, we know it is the most responsible path forward. We care deeply for the health and well-being of our practitioners, who can still twist themselves into knots and tempt death in a variety of other ways we haven’t gotten around to canceling yet. 

We are not offering refunds. We realize there is deeply valued hyper-ventilation, aversion and breaking down that you will miss when not performing this pose. As consolation, for the moment, other deeply cherished nervous-system f*cking poses such as dwi pada, kapotasana, and catching remain available for such needs. Crotch-shot forward poses remain, notably, up for grabs. 

This is a time of crisis as we struggle to take a practice built on personalized teaching, invasive applications of one’s own feet to one’s own @#%$ (i.e., Janu C), hands to the face, butt in someone else’s face, crotch to the world, hands to the eyeballs to gouge them out in frustration — the sheer enormity of moving this kind of deeply infectious practice online via ZOOM. It’s mind-boggling. There is widespread fear that when we bring our practices LIVE, our hair will just never look as good as Kino’s. 

Setu Bandhasana can only make this worse.

Rest assured that we are continually monitoring federal, state, local, authorized, hierarchical, lunar, Sharathian, astrological, internet trollian, and facebook home practitioner meme-generated guidance to understand how we can help minimize the spread of Covd-19, while trying to avoid unnecessary panic:

Setu Bandhasana must go. 

Indeed, we have reviewed all the guidelines and the roster of ashtanga poses from the most ridiculous to the most difficult to the most likely to induce panic, germs, licked fingers, an STD, fever or rash, and, Effective March 16, 2020, the pose Setu Bandhasana is canceled.

We apologize for the delayed notice, but figured you were still reeling from Instagram Live Yoga notifications on your phone to even bother rolling onto the crown of your head in a “part Vampire-in-the-coffin/ part Exorcist” pose that scares your dog into laundry room hiding. 

There is simply no amount of hand sanitizer to make this posture safe (and as we cannot recommend doing this pose slathered in aloe and essential oil — no matter how strong your pelvic floor — we must not do it at all). If you add a face mask, your dog might never recover from the fright.

Finally, social distance is next to impossible with Setu Bandhasana, as performance of it correlates to increased hospital, chiropractor, Shamanic healer and massage therapy visits. In order to encourage “stay at home,” suffice it to say you cannot be screwing around with a pose like this.

Coronavirus is enough of a pain in the neck on its own.

In order to truly practice social distance, and/or avoid death by slippery hand sanitizer, we may consider removing leg behind the head poses, stuff you’ve never heard of from third series, backbends you hate, Marichyasana D and Bandhas (specifically, the yelling or stating of the word “Bandhas” by people on the internet or teachers as the answer to everything), but while adding guilty pleasure “incorrect method” stuff you secretly adore– so please check for updates.

For the record, bandhas do not inoculate against COVID-19.

We hope that you and your ZOOM account stay well at this time, and again, with deep regret, inform that Setu Bandhasana is canceled until further notice.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

_____________

Featured Image:

Drawing by Zoe Ward aka @unrulyascetic
Photo by Dustin Ellison, Photographer.