A Real Yogi’s New Year’s Resolutions

You’ve cleansed dairy, wheat– no, grain, sugar, processed food and alcohol out of your life (you tried to excise coffee too but decided that would be f&%ing crazy). You rise at an early hour that makes everyone else grimace at the sour taste of inferiority in their mouths. You are active. You take stairs instead of the escalator unlike all those other lazy mother&$ers. You practice second series, run, climb, ski; you chant, you meditate, serve– you are the real deal, a f&%ing walking incarnation of the 8 limbs….er, ish.

So what on earth does a real yogi like you have to resolve in the New Year?

Try my list (written for me, by me, of course):

1. Eat more fried food and get drunk every now and then. Lord knows it don’t take much. Forgive me for interrupting the flow of your FB feed and Instagram scrolling — no doubt currently rife with Whole 30s and paleo/vegetarian/vegan/juicing/detoxing and GOD knows what else to say, yes, for me,

sometimes i make these muffins with sprouted what flour (aka gluten!)

sometimes i make these muffins with sprouted what flour (aka gluten!)

it’s gonna be a little bit more the other way. Of course, I come to this place as a repeat cleanser with the Conscious Cleanse as well as with Well & Good Studio, all of which I highly recommend. There is a reason why I receive books like “Rawsome Vegan Baking” for Christmas. But this new year, well, let me put it in terms used by my old Brooklyn psychologist:

You go so far this way, Jean, you can afford to go a little that way.”

Of course, he was referring to my tendency to be overly worried and overly responsible to the point of self-destructiveness, and suggesting I veer to the side of a tad wild sometimes. I’ve since resettled this advice into other corners of my life. So, time to rock that boat! Add in more non-whole foods– processed food in a box, croissants, fries, chips, gluten-full muffins, margaritas, and GASP– white rice. You heard me. WHITE RICE. Go F&%ing nuts, in moderation of course. And save the margaritas for non- mysore-eve’s if you can.

Look at this as a way to avoid “poisoning ourselves with our own cure” (as Peg Mulqueen and John Churchill discussed, um, in another context, in this awesome podcast)). Call it a cleanse in reverse. A “Tox” instead of a “Detox.” A “Contamination” instead of a “Cleanse.”  A “Diminished 30” instead of a “Whole 30.”

Of course, if you are a twenty-something yoga teacher who drinks every night, please disregard this.

2. Sleep in. There’s a saying, “the early bird gets the worm.”

Exactly.

I don’t want the f*&ing worm. Do you? Maybe by 8am that worm will have transformed into some delectable meal by a renowned chef. If you are super enthralled by 3:00am and 4:30am alarm clock shots on ashtanginstagram feeds; if such grams and regrams make you feel lazy (ok, they make me feel lazy– oh geez, is it really 8am?), take heart. Read this, found, strangely enough, via Twitter and Ashtanga Yoga Toronto. It will tell you all the amazing sh*t the sleep deprived are missing out on. So I’m keeping my alarm set for 6:30 or 7am this winter, or relying on my human three year-old alarm clock (who is deliciously sleeping until 7:30 or 8 these dark days). I can do this because I practice while my little one is in school at the oh so sane hour of 8:45am —  and because I am naturally gifted with a sleep ability most commonly found in slothful teenage boys. If you are lacking this gift, maybe just try to “do less.”

But if you have a job, a nearby mysore community you love, and/or a crazy devotion to this early morning practice, then by all means get it done however you like (just get to bed early, ok?). I guess the point is to stop playing “keeping up with the jones’s” by trying to out-alarm clock everyone else on your social media playground and instead listen to your own needs. Even I get up early to head to the DC area for mysore practice at least once a week, in which case I’ll wake at the more godly hour of 5:30 (compared to 4:30, at least). For mysore and community, it’s worth it.

For the worm, not so much.

3. Read a F&%ing [non-yoga] book.

Can we talk about something besides practice? Please. There are only so many ways you can say that Kapotasana sucks. It’s boring. ~Jessie Horness

Of course, dear Jessie, I love kapotasana, but I’m a genetic mutation, so… But you are right. Can we talk about something besides practice? And coffee? Can we talk about it over coffee though?

Reading non-yoga books gives me something to talk about besides practice. Reading makes me look up meanings of words that I then re-use to look smart in my blogs. More importantly, novels make me feel more connected to the real world– more concerned about taking care of it and others (try reading a few dystopian futuristic novels where everything goes to hell in a hand basket and you’ll see what I mean). So yeah, I keep the yoga on my mat, the books by my bedside fantastical and sci-fi-ish.

Of course, if you need a yoga book, I hear the yoga sutras are good. I’m partial to Swami Satchidananda’s. Oh and this f$#ing anatomy book by David Keil. If you need a non-yoga book, try Austin Kleon’s list.

And did I mention that you can keep up on all the ashtanga yoga sh*t you need to know by a simple visit to ashtangadispatchdc.com? Then turn to your f%$ing (non-yoga) book.

4. Eat more solid food. Let me clue you in: this stuff is not just for nine-month-old babies. Hey, don’t underestimate the world of detox-cleanse-juice-vitamix-raw-smoothie-dom that can get you drinking every calorie. Look, I love me a green smoothie, I do. They changed my life. But some solid, chewable, warm food– particularly when it’s f**ing freezing, yeah, I want some more of that.

Except when I want a margarita on the rocks (with salt).

5. Stop holding myself back. This blog is a start.

This entry was posted in Blog.

7 thoughts on “A Real Yogi’s New Year’s Resolutions

  1. You are cracking me up and speaking the truth!!! I thought it was just me. Isn’t there anything else to talk about? At a recent Ashtanga workshop, I was struck by, bored by, annoyed by, everyone’s inability to talk about anything other than their tight hamstrings or their, oh God, I’m gonna say it…Psoas muscle!!!! If I hear one more freekin person talk about their Psoas or SI joint, I will become uncharacteristically violent!!! Good God…practice everyday and get a life off the mat…then, let’s talk. I was, by the way, mostly mute that day, cause all that “practice” talk bores the hell out of me! Maybe it’s cause I have 2 kids and not a lot of alone time to talk with grownups…

    • Ah, you must click the link to read the blog by Jessie Horness- that’s her quote! I confess that i love talking about yoga, mainly because my husband and daughter could care less. that said, I also love talking about books. I still want someone who understands what it is like to read the Bone Clocks and Station Eleven and then go back to regular life. what? but really, I take any talk with grown-ups, practice related or not!

  2. My resolution, for the second year in a row:
    I will try to be as yogic as my class participants think I am.
    This seems to be a worthwhile goal for me.

    • it’s nice to have people looking up to you Carl. In a smilier way, people who practice with me inspire me to keep practicing. 🙂

  3. You are my kind of yogi! I absolutely LOVE your Blog, which a friend just sent me. I’m incredibly sick of the “Peace, Love and Rainbows” shit that yoga sometimes breeds. This is much better. Thank you for being human and for fucking cursing! Yes. Tasha

    • Thank you Tasha. I love you for loving my blog. Peace love and rainbows have their place, and let’s face it, I could use a unicorn or two sometimes. But usually, I just settle into he whole “human” thing. Thanks again for the really great compliment.

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