*inspired by https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/other-vaccines-we-should-manufacture-in-2021

It’s-Tricky-Reels-RX-V

One of Moderna’s most effective vaccines, this formula strengthens the immune system against the yoga Reels-induced ruination and/or overkill of once-beloved songs by artists such as Run DMC (“It’s Tricky”), the Black-Eyed Peas (“Where is the love?”), The Sugarhill Gang (“Apache”), OMC (“How Bizarre”), Ciara (“Level Up”), and so on. Note: A second dose is required to receive full protection against the accompanying cringey-play acting, over-simplified floating captions and regrettable dance moves of yoga instructors apparently losing it in Covid times. 

Recent-Online-TT-Grad-Thrax

This newly developed vaccine is 94% effective against brand new teachers who graduated in 2020 from a 3-week online YTT who’ve never attended yoga class in person and want to teach you everything they learned onscreen yesterday. When injected into a person’s butt cheek or brand-name yoga pants’ patented sculpting fabric, this Pfizer vaccine unleashes a torrent of antibodies that guard against these enthusiastic YTT grads telling you about “love and light” as they attempt to sit on you in pigeon pose.

Bandhas-B-V

This vaccine targets the largely Ashtanga-specific disease that causes teachers to reply “Bandhas,” in answer to everything, like: things the teacher does not know the answer to, “what is the missing half of this golden locket?,” “how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?” and “what will make me better at handstands/backbends/orgasms/nirvana,” as well as, “Who will win the Bachelor?,” “When will Covid be over?” and/or the reason why you can or cannot do every single pose under the sun. 

99% of the vaccine’s target recipients are male ashtanga teachers with man buns who never wear a shirt. Also alleviates accompanying symptoms of being kind of a pompous ass while saying “bandhas” in response to everything.  

Delusions-of-Medical-Degree-Via-200hr-TT-Fever-V

This Merck Vaccine targets the immune system against the infectious delusion that being a yoga teacher qualifies you to give out medical advice to students and/or strangers on the internet. The Vaccine strengthens the part of the brain that knows you never went to medical school, you’re not a doctor, and in fact, never even took AP Bio. Specifically, the shot inoculates teachers against making “yoga-cures-all-bs-pseudoscience” statements about how this or that pose, Doterra oil or Mercury in/out of Retrograde will cure someone’s diabetes, skin cancer, acne or Covid or frozen shoulder (also known for its adorably viral ad campaign featuring Bernie’s mittens meme and your local teacher’s vision board).

Fancy-Anatomical-Jargon-Booster

When properly administered, this vaccine immunizes against rolling your eyes every time a teacher drops some insanely fancy-sounding anatomical jargon typically covered in the 3rd year of medical school, such as “Sternocleidomastoid.” While relatively mild, getting hit with anatomy from teachers like this, who typically just finished a YTT, anatomy workshop, episode of Grey’s Anatomy or just need to overcompensate — can just be really, really annoying. 

Gorgeous-Hot-Insta-Yoga-Girl-Envy-E-V

Novovax’s newest vaccine, it has shown robust protection against feeling like crap when you see gorgeous hot insta yoga influencers in bikinis doing press-up handstands in Costa Rica. It’s still awaiting FDA approval, but has nearly unanimous support among the actual population of non-sponsored, non-brand ambassador humans doing yoga who are sick of feeling like they’ll never measure up. The ideal injection site for this vaccine, according to Novavax, is directly into your Instagram feed. 

Knitting-Ribs-Cue-POX-V

One of Glaxosmith-Kline’s most popular vaccines, this inoculation was created to slow the spread of perplexing yoga cues such as “knit your ribs.” Indeed, this shot was formulated after conducting extensive investigation into how attendance at yoga class seems to require an extensive knowledge of yarn crafting once thought reserved for purveyors on Etsy. A single dose in the arm fortifies the immune system against teachers who peddle this cue oblivious to the reality that few students know how to knit sweaters, let alone their ribs. 

50% of the vaccine’s action is specifically aimed against Anusara yoga teachers likely to be wearing floral printed bell bottom yoga pants, name dropping “Shiva Rea” and prone to also cueing students to “melt their hearts.”

Insta-Tutorial Fluenza-V

Not so much a vaccine but more a belief that Instagram yoga would be more fun and beneficial if we developed herd immunity against seeing nonstop yoga tutorials by physically gifted people that fail to provide any meaningful teaching. A former acrobat turned tattooed yoga teacher offering a tutorial for handstand (Step one: down dog. Step Two: kick into a perfect handstand, near a cliff) is not helpful for 99% of the population.

Guru-Off-V

This vaccine, engineered by an entirely female team of Astazeneca’s scientists/yoga practitioners who’ve had enough of fallen Gurus, narcissistic handsy teachers, and other serious threats to their own self-agency-Bullshit. Administered like bug spray on your skin, it’s 96% effective at fortifying your own boundaries. It further works to keep creepy cult-y peeps and wanna-be guru-power-hungry-hippos from preying upon your vulnerable human feelings and desire to belong. Requires regular reapplication, especially before social media usage. These critters are everywhere.

1. Your thoughts create your reality. So racism doesn’t actually exist. It’s just your evil thoughts. If you choose to think this way, that’s all you’ll see. I choose to think love and light, so that’s all I see. Also, I’m White. #radiatepossiblity
   
   
2.  99.95333333~= % of people do not have a racial bone in their body. They have a thigh bone, but they don’t have a racial bone. Without racial bones, you cannot be a racist. I learned this in my yoga teacher training anatomy class attended by all White people and led by a famous White male teacher.
   
   
3. I live in a highly diverse White neighborhood. In light of recent events I learned from Instagram, I tried to see color for the first time in my life and was amazed to notice so many people of color. Would you believe that of the 125 people arrested for social distancing violations in my community, nearly all of them were Black or Latino? Who knew there were so many people of color here? I had never acknowledged their existence before because I don’t see color— I just see someone’s love and light truth.
   
   
4. I’m that girl who listens to gangsta rap on my to yoga. My t-shirt says so. #ghettosuperstar #throwonsomegangstarapandhandleit
   
   
5. I’ve been surrounded by people of different colors for as long as I can remember making up my own reality! I grew up in a very White neighborhood and went on to live in another even Whiter one, but still I‘m just so grateful for the remarkable diversity of this bubble I call home. Just look at this picture I posted on Instagram of me and a Black person from my teacher training in India three years ago. Not that I ever noticed her color. If I ever had to describe her, like, to the cops, I’d say: She’s a tall, love and light-radiating being! I forget her name.
   
   
6. My daughter has been surrounded by all different races her whole life in our highly diverse Whitopia. We eat black lentils. And would you believe she studies French? She speaks a completely different language (ish). As for me, I know Sanskrit after a weekend spent memorizing its alphabet! My mala beads are black! Our home is a living, breathing colorless melting pot where we never, ever talk about race. (We’re White, so we don’t see color!) We are so blessed to live with this rich diversity we imagine exists in our crisp, white lotus-flowered lives.
   
   
7. I’ve heard of Black people getting killed by the police, but I don’t really take notice. This is because I choose not to see color or read news from a reputable source that isn’t astrology-based or pay attention to anything in the world beyond my “Whitopia” love n’light bubble. I just carry so many good vibes in my heart.
   
   
8. “All lives matter” is a much more eloquent way of saying “good vibes only” or “we don’t give a Ganesh about systemic racism because we cannot see it as we’re too busy ignoring the world we live in while we use our privilege to create a unicorn-ful, good vibe-ian, kale-juiced “reality” while blasting gangsta rap instead.” Look, we can either choose good vibes only, or bad ones. 99.6333% of positive vibes have the power to kill both bad vibes and Coronavirus. It’s as Martin Luther King said, “hate cannot drive out hate, good vibes only can do that.”
   
   
9. My name isn’t Karen.
   
   
   
10. I treat everyone the same because we are all one. Does this allow me to ignore and even contribute to long-standing systemic racism that privileges Whites? That makes no sense to me, as I only see the oneness of love and light and not the reality of anything going on in the world. #goodvibesonly
    
    
11. On my Instagram there’s a picture of me with a Black person from a yoga training I did three years ago. Have I mentioned it? Not that I posted it because she was Black or re-shared it or talked about it five trillion times in the last month because of that. It’s not like I even noticed her color. I’m colorblind. I don’t even see the black in my morning coffee. All I see is its latte love and light. #goodvibesonly.
    
    
12. I teach hip hop vinyasa. #spirituallybypassygangster

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Godd Vibes only” Illustration herein by the inimitable @unrulyascetic aka Zoe Ward

https://www.instagram.com/p/CA-bg1_Dq5w/

https://www.instagram.com/p/CCvsh1bC7Di/

Yoga Community, Your Love and Light is Not Working

Since we first announced plans to reopen when deemed safe by our resident taskforce (consisting of an astrologer, a Shaman, Reiki Master and Doterra Diamond seller) many yogis have asked how we plan to ensure safety in light of a pandemic, killer wasps, the end of days, and so on, in an enclosed, heated, airless room without windows. Our strategy of ignoring reality is outlined below, but the short answer is this:

Our beloved hOme will proceed as if everything’s okay because we believe in positive vibes. Only.

Spreading Love & Light (Not Corona):

Good News! Because you practice yoga with us, you’re already 99.57% inoculated against contracting the virus, according to leading yoga science experts. The sequence we do literally squeezes cooties out of your system and eradicates them from the universe, according to no scientist ever. When coupled with “positive vibes only” this yoga is practically designed to combat the spread of any and all diseases including ones that haven’t been invented yet from animals you haven’t heard of. (Just in case, avoid the zoo.)

But we’re going even further:

• In an abundance of caution, students named “Karen” will not be permitted in the studio (save for our Shaman, who happens to be a white woman named Karen from Laguna Beach).
• If you have traveled to a non-organic grocery store, kindly please self-quarantine.
• For extra immune system protection, we recommend purchasing our 5-day Corona Kidney Detox, subsisting on nothing but liquified blue algae and Fruit.
• Upon entry, students will be screened for symptoms of negative vibes. Any student exhibiting signs of negative vibrations or an awareness of reality will be asked to leave immediately.

Saucha! Yoga Room Safety and Disinfection:

After measuring our yoga hOMe and examining our nonexistent ventilation system, our unpaid cleaning staff of karma yogis has informed us that there’s absolutely no way our typical classes can fit in our space. But this amazing yoga hOMe has always valued creating our own delusional reality, so we’ve tackled this by posting “NO COVID-19 ALLOWED/POSITIVE VIBES ONLY” Vision Boards on every door and wall. We are manifesting a Covid-free space with these visions: If you dream it, you can achieve it, my lovely souls.

To show how seriously we take the situation, we have provided “AURA CLEARING MIST” spray at every point of entry to clean any negative energies. (Please note Aura Clearing Mist is not functional hand sanitizer.) Teachers will clean the space after each class, but as we don’t pay them for this or monitor their efforts, your guess is as good as ours. For added protection, sage brush your practice area before each class.  Positive Vibes Only!

Student Safety in Our Sanctuary:

How can we have a dozen students (or forty, thanks to our inventive manifestation of abundance imagining our space as quadruple its actual size) breathing heavily ujjayi style, flinging sweat droplets, all while they wear masks that they can remove whenever they want?

We’ll be moving some classes al fresco in the park this summer, but mostly not. Our community has decided to believe only the science we like (i.e. yoga teacher science, of the very same that brought you “pulling” is the object of stretching and “fish pose cures gallbladder cancer” and so on) and similarly only the theories of virus spread that we like. In sum:

It’s fine, whatever. Good Vibes Only! 

Still, we’re vigilant in observing the protocol we made up: requiring each student to purchase these custom moonstone mala beads with stones for the throat chakra (thus Corona cough inoculation) and perform 108 drop backs while chanting “Bibbity Bobbity Boo.” Students are also requested to consume a bowl of the cereal “Lucky Charms” each day, because you never know. We understand the hardship of consuming refined sugar, but in these times we all have to sacrifice for the greater good. 

Love Conquers All!

Retail:

Rest assured, REIKI healing energy is applied to each mat and towel before given to the customer, along with a Care Bear Stare. Live, Laugh, Love!

Teacher Training:

Our annual TT is taking place as usual because we think everything’s going to be fine in a week thanks to an abundance of positive vibes and Mercury coming out of Retrograde. All attendees will be accepted, regardless of whether they fly in from live animal markets in China or after “licking public subway turnstiles”** in New York City. Our 20 luminous TTs will hang in our stuffy yoga room for entire days and weekends– why,  it’s going to be like the old, pre-Covid glory days we shall pretend still exist! We’ll practice assisting each other (Touch!) and breath of fire exercises to flush negative energies while spreading respiratory droplets. Heck we might even bring back unconsented, creepy assault-y assists just for shits and giggles. We ask that upon arrival, our TTs make frequent use of our “AURA CLEARING MIST” stations, always start with the right leg, chant Om three times, and charge crystals on the full moon– just in case. All students will also receive a welcome package containing a “Positive Vibes” branded face mask (to use or not use depending on one’s positive vibe frequency), a “LOVE CONQUERS ALL” anti-Covid Vision Board, kombucha, a lucky penny, and the other half of this missing locket. 

Come hOMe to our Positive Vibes!

____

* This piece was inspired by this hilarious article about University Reopening https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-message-from-your-universitys-vice-president-for-magical-thinking

**”licking public subway turnstiles” is a funny phrase I took from a post of the wonderful yogi Sean Haleen

Cover Drawing by Zoe Ward aka @unrulyascetic

(This piece is more than inspired by this funny piece in McSweeneys called “I Am Using My Free Time To Not Write My Novel” by Scott Bolohan)

They say the best way to not deepen your yoga practice is to not practice everyday. Everyday when you wake up is the best time to not practice– simply hop on Instagram instead. But as we join the multitudes in this never-ending quarantine, I have begun to worry that my newfound lack of ability to go anywhere or do anything is going to seriously get in the way of me not deepening my practice.

Ever since I discovered Netflix, coconut milk ice cream and Instastories I have felt destined to not deepen my practice. Of course I had this burning desire to master handstands and for self-realization, but I did the work — and I held it all in. When I needed to, I left my mat for other pursuits.

But now? Sheltered in place it’s getting harder than ever to find the distractions to not deepen my practice. I’m the closest I’ve ever been to giving up, throwing my mat down and busting out a triangle pose. Sometimes I open the window and start to breathe actual air and then all of a sudden I’m saluting the sun in the kitchen before I stop myself — to think I almost failed and practiced. And truthfully, that is a practice and it counts– that one sun salute! — so just thank god I have Instagram to stop me and keep me on track. (Social media seems like it was invented to suck all your time away and prevent you from practicing let alone deepening your practice, which is awesome, btw).

But beware! Sometimes I think I am back on track for not deepening my practice because I’m faithfully scrolling through Instagram, but then my yoga friends will post stuff that makes me– despite my commitment– want to practice.

No one said not deepening your practice during a pandemic was going to be easy.

On the toughest days I cannot let go of this desire to feel alive, to feel my soul wake up. But no matter how tough the obstacle, I power through not deepening my practice. At my worst, I will allow a few seated breaths, some sun salutes or maybe the most basic essential postures or god if it’s really bad– a half primary–and hope for dear life that this weakness doesn’t get in the way of me not deepening my practice. I force myself to say hey, all you did was ten minutes so it doesn’t count, or it was just half your postures so it doesn’t count, or you went too fast or too slow or too distracted so it doesn’t count, so I can feel like I haven’t sabotaged my goal of not deepening my practice.

Tell yourself it’s ok.

Not deepening your practice in a trying time is hard. I mean, just getting up and breathing and being aware of your breath can count as deepening your practice, not to mention five minutes, so give yourself a break. Deepening your practice has the sneaky way of happening– whether you’re on your mat investing in sweat and hours, or simply trying to maintain “equanimity of mind” (Zoe Ward @unrulyscetic) while your seven-year old has a meltdown and you’re on a deadline.

It’s daunting how many ways there are to easily deepen your practice, so be careful. If it were easy to not deepen your practice, everyone would not do it. I mean gosh, the way this time will change your relationship to practice, the way you’ll look back on it–no matter how you slice it, whether this time means you’re progressing through advanced series, learning to practice at home alone, or barely holding yourself together while your little ones push all the damn buttons:

If all else fails, go back to bed– Try to wake up and not practice tomorrow.

Good luck.

This blog is an homage-y rip -off of the piece 

“A Guide to Social Distancing for Freelancers” By Amy Collier, published March 13, 2020 in Mcsweeneys 

Social Distance is a strategy officials have employed to slow the spread of Covid-19. Social Distance is also a strategy ashtanga practitioners have employed for years to avoid interacting with other people outside of brunch (also known as Mysore self-practice). So, change next to nothing. You can still do your yoga practice and avoid other people in the process.

Do not suddenly turn into someone who attends a Shala, parties, concerts, dinner reservations at 8pm or large events like “Carol’s 35th birthday party” that would force you to drive somewhere, talk to other people, and worse– keep you out past 8pm. Carry on conducting most of your friendships through text and instagram messaging. Post a variety of medically questionable questions on the ashtanga home practice page on facebook, like “is it ok to start second series alone now that Covid 19 is here” and “can we just talk about supta kurmasana because I need a support group, ok” or just “like” and “love” all the posts of dogs photobombing other people’s home practice and, of course, the memes. 

By all means, do not attend a mysore class– not even on ZOOM. Not because the idea of practice with other people looking at your crotch in dwi pada leaves you feeling overwhelmed and anxious, but because the CDC asked you not to. We don’t know if cooties can be spread via ZOOM or if hacking just means drawings of male genitalia, but better safe than sorry.

It’s called Ahimsa.

You’re simply doing your yogic duty by doing what you’ve always done– alone. There are a few approved new activities, like attempting third series arm balances (you’ve always wanted them and who’s gonna stop you huh?), fast counting in navasana, knitting crochet yoga sutras/swear words, learning Shakira’s Superbowl choreography and spending lots of time on your phone searching the terms “Kino” and “every pose you’ve ever wondered how to do.” 

They say “True Yoga is discovered alone” so… Keep up the good work.

Continue the quarantine you began years ago when you decided first to practice some really weird yoga like ashtanga, and then weirder like an ashtanga practice home alone, so deep in the weird that you find yourself in your own personal well with your legs behind your head. However, you wanted to be stuck this way, and, alas, a rescue would be too risky under CDC Covid-19 guidelines. In the words of Sharath:

“YOU STOP THERE!” 

Your self-imposed practice quarantine is suddenly a boon to society. Just pretend as if you’re an introvert who chose a yoga practice specifically designed for social distancing, or pretend the anxiety you experience about being seen doing your yoga practice in public, or about holes in your crotch, or about performing incorrect vinyasa, or about a teacher asking you to lift up from karandavasana or catch — pretend that those anxieties have always existed and that you’ve had to develop coping strategies, like making your life one where you rarely practice yoga with other people. Now you can blame your Emily-Dickinsonian/Sadhu self-exile on a pandemic, rather than your personal demons.

If you must attend a ZOOM, remind people to stay 6 feet away from you at all times — because the camera angle on you from that distance is way better. You may also turn off your video so they cannot see you when the count is too slow (utplutihih), the postures you hate appear, or when the mood strikes for illegal mysore room flourishes (see David Robson IG for a full list). A public health crisis is no time for them to invade your personal practice.

It’s sacred. 

Instead, at these junctures mute yourself and yell “WHO’S YOUR DADDY NOW” as you throw in handstands or go pee while some teacher purportedly counts to “10” in utplutihih in the time any normal human could count to 387: 

The ZOOM mysore room is simply there to hold space for whatever comes up. 

So pee.

As usual, leave your home only for essentials like post-practice coffee or Friday curbside pizza. When you do go out, restrict your interactions with others as much as possible, kind of like you’ve done for the last ten years, as your yoga practice requires you to eat earlier than most adults under 80 and go to sleep at the same time as most newborns. 

Wear your headphones when out to signal that conversation is not desired —  just gluten-free crackers and castor oil. Your excuse to be rude? PANDEMIC. You are here simply to buy your essential oils, bring them back home, and then leave that home as little as possible until the next time you need to instaphoto the full moon or eat pizza or buy epsom salts, tape for your sorry-looking toes and don’t forget the ghee!

Continue to not go to the doctor. Do you have yoga-related medical woes like hips made out of hemp seed husks and duct tape?

You’ve got strangers on the Ashtanga Home practice facebook page for that —

not to mention google and raw ACV.  

Finally, wash your mat more. Although it certainly doesn’t hurt health-wise to clean your mat frequently, this has little to do with COVID-19. It’s called saucha. And sure, no one can smell you or your mat, but come on. It’s been like under your hands, snot, sweat and dog paws forever. And get a new shirt– 

Even from ZOOM, we can tell it (and your dwi pada) stinks.

this post inspired by the comic humor queen @butlikemaybe on INSTA and her post “Types of People in Quarantine”

1. THE BRAGITUDE

OMG you guys, just look at this screenshot post of the sixty-seven thousand million gorgeous beautiful people in this unconsented gallery screen shot of my ZOOM class. AMAZING.

OMG my heart is like so full you guys. SO thankful.

#gratitude #bragitude #blessed #self-promotion #maskedmarketing

*shout out to Sean Haleen who predicted the ZOOM screenshot as overtaking the savasana photo bomb

2. THE INSTALIVE ALLTHETIME YOGI:

@imliveagainyogi started a LIVE video…..

HELLLOOOOOO ROCKSTARS!!! I’m going LIVE on insta! 
did insta notify you I’m Live! 
Got kicked off for too much time well I’m LIVE again!
@imliveagain started a LIVE video
I’m LIVE again! 
Still alive LIVE, are my LIVE notifications annoying you love LIVE?
LET ME SEE YOUR FACE ON THE SCREEN LIVE
WAVE AT ME TO SHOW YOU’RE ALIVE 
@imaliveaganyoi started a live video
is anyone else LIVE?

3. THE POSITIVE VIBES ONLY

So the world is ending, but that just means another world is opening right? 

Be positive. Let’s all work on staying positive. It is scientific-ish fact: Pandemics don’t like good vibes; they positively hate positive vibes.  

We need more positivity in this world. 
Only send out positive vibes at this time. 
Positive vibes only. 

DID YOU HEAR ME STAY POSITIVE OR ELSE

#positivity #positivevibesonly #goodvibrations #positivelypositive #washyourhandsofnegativevibes #killcoronawithpositivevibesvaccine

4. THE ESSENTIALLY OILY SANITIZER

ONGUARD! Doterra Onguard! 

When things don’t go as planned, I like to reach for my Juniper, Frankincense and Lavender blend, but these days I’m HOSING everyone and everything within a 6-foot radius with my stockpile of Doterra Onguard. The dogs love it! It’s even good sprayed on top of smoothie bowls. What’s your go-to de stressor?

XOXO, The ESSENTIALLY OILY (link in bio)

5. THE BRAND AMBASSADOR APOCALYPSE 

It’s a beautiful day to be alive in your home alone wearing swimwear in a yoga pose selling stuff on the gram while separated from all your friends!  

And this BORA BORA TUSHY BUM CREAM SCENTⓇ is what we need a little more in this time, loves! There so much to live for (and who doesn’t love a yummy scented bum bum?). I’m so humbled and thrilled and positively tickled to be a yummy BUMBUMⓇ partner, the first to try their new APRES BIDET BUM BUMⓇ spritz. Like all YUMMY BUMBUMⓇ scents, this spritz positively boosts those immunity cells by making your bumbum happy!!!* And it’s GF and vegan too!*
Link in Bio. 

*These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA or CDC
*PETA disagrees
https://www.instagram.com/p/B-rdYT4DLAS/

https://www.instagram.com/p/B-rdYT4DLAS/

6. THE CORONA CORE SHREDDER

If you don’t use this time to lockdown that six-pack,  you’re not taking self care seriously.

#onlysickthinghereistheseabs #apocalypseabs #endofdayseightpackwhoswithme

7. THE WHOLEFOODS HOARDER

I have all the ORGANIC PALEO KETO WHOLE30™ APPROVED GF FOODS. ALL the GF crackers. ALL the unsweetened paleo-approved carrageenan-free almond milk. 

I BOUGHT IT ALL. Been stockpiling this bunker for years. 

#paleopandemicpantryprepper #whole30hoarder #KETOCORONA #takeyourTPandshoveit

8. THE ZOOM HUSTLER 

Fresh photos with the bomb lighting–  On ZOOM! Here’s a code, a password — to a pranayama flow a chill flow a fast flow a power flow an arm balance flow vinyasa, a splits flow an ashtanga flow a kundalini flow a kid flow a five minute tutorial a 30-minute crow flow and end of the world as we know it flow a new normal flow…. I got what you need what you want flow.

9. THE LONGTIME ASHTANGA HOME PRACTITIONER 

What, like it’s hard?

10. THE ASTROLOGER:

The time is now, can you feel the shift? Times of uncertainty anchor times to our cosmic center at home, your own personal cardboard tube at the center of your hoarded toilet paper roll. All living things bliss in your living room. Navigate consciousness sanitizer, belonging to the web of hand-washed modalities sheltered in place. 

Sonic sanitization. 
Roots Roost. 
Full moon, furloughed.
Mercury, masked. 
Did I say abundance yet, of toilet paper in dreams, say you’re a Taurus aren’t you?

Here is the equation: HOARD + TP = NOW
and Coronavirus Chakra Cleanse with me on Insta Live!

11. THE STAY AT HOME MOM YOGA TEACHER TRYING TO TEACH ON ZOOM FEED HER KIDS HANDLE HOMESCHOOL AND WORK ANOTHER JOB: 

Help.

#thatsnotafacemaskthatsawhiteflag

12. THE PIOUS LITTLE SHIT DEEPENING HIS PRACTICE 

“Does it feel good to stand on my insta stage with 500-pound tigers and everybody envy you? Absolutely.”

#tigerkingofquarantineyogi #underhiseye

Dear Yogis: The current situation is rapidly evolving, and here we are, practicing yoga home alone with our own dust bunnies and rolled sock props. While you’re at it, here is a list of additional cancellations in our yoga world due to the pandemic (and may some of these NEVER COME BACK):

1. Rolling Up One Vertebrae at a Time. Yeah, the world is ending and we’re riled up on insta yogi grammar. For the last damn time, rolling up “One Vertebrae at a time is canceled.” Rolling up one vertebra at a time, however, remains available for curbside delivery.
   
2. Juicy assists. Honestly, we’re not sure if they ever were juicy, but there is no literal or metaphorical juicing via ZOOM. Kinda amazing how even before Corona put us on lockdown the first thing to go were these needless assists. Consider this juice-free practice part of the new normal– Why bring them back? (Creepy assists, unconsented assists, thoughtless assembly-line assists, new teacher-touch-crazy assists, invasive assists, “sexual assault disguised as assists” all remain canceled, Covid or not.)
   
3. Giving all your power away to a teacher. You just try taking it over ZOOM, ok boomer?
   
4. Communal Yoga Mats and Props. Someone’s hands, feet, sweat, ujjayi heavy breathing, runny nose has been on that mat you PAID TO BORROW. Do you see that sweaty ass print ingrained on the mat’s surface? What’s wrong with you? That goes for blocks and straps too. We don’t know how these foam blocks and torture straps streaked with sweat got um forgotten in the land of disgusting human body fluid bacteria sharing, but if you think mats are gross at least we pretended to friggin clean those (ha as if!). But the bacteria bonanza blocks? Never. There ain’t enough lavender oil and clorox in the world to clean the spores on these suckers. No Mas. Communal Cooties: CANCELED.
   
5. Canceling yoga poses. Look, unless your teacher is a dogmatic a-hole, the poses are not all required, ever, so you don’t need to cancel any of them. Practicing and teaching with awareness, compassion and an individualized approach, however, remain copacetic under social distancing recommendations.
   
6. Yoga solely for the young, hot and beach-bound butt-selfie worthy. Now that we’re all home practitioners, suffice it to say the cat’s out of the bag: you can do yoga with cellulite, without fancy clothes, with any size of butt cheeks. For so long one would think yoga could only be performed by slim, gazellian white women on the beaches of Santorini. Thanks to Covid-19, we now know that anyone can do triangle pose at home alone in their sweatpants in Pittsburg. Yoga as exclusively the province of the hot-privileged is canceled.
   
7. Taking photos of students in savasana. Taking advantage of your students in vulnerable positions for your self promotions is FORKING CANCELED, Amber Ahimsa. PS, if your teacher does snag a zoom of you in savasana, you have permission to draw male genitalia across the screen in your next zoom meeting.
   
8. Telling students, with a laugh, that “if you touch your neighbor, it’s good luck” OR “just give them a love tap or a high five.”  IT IS NOT OK TO HAVE YOUR FOOT IN MY ARMPIT, SHARON or an inch from my mouth, MARK– During corona, or ever. (For the record, I never liked having your skull roll into mine during Garbha Pindasana during led class, either.) 
   
9. Positive vibes only. Now is the time to hold space for varied vibes, from good to not so good. We cannot be positive vibes all the time– What do we look like, dogs? No! We’re humans in lockdown, shelter in place, quarantine and crisis, so we’re stocking up on all the vibes, thank you.
   
10. YTT Puppy Mills. Speaking of Dogs…..Two people in YTT for every teacher? Canceled. Zoom can only take so much more of this, okay? The best way to deepen your practice is not a $3000 YTT but, as always, practicing daily on your mat.

Featured Image:

Drawing by Zoe Ward aka @unrulyascetic
Photo by Dustin Ellison, Photographer.

Dear Ashtanga Practitioners:

We regret to inform you that the pose Setu Bandhasana is canceled.

Unfortunately, due to the rapid infectious spread of the Covid-19 Virus and InstaLive Yoga, we’ve come to the decision that we cannot safely keep this beloved pose open during this time, even if you are hoarding hand sanitizer.

We understand how difficult this news may be for you to hear. 

While it is incredibly disappointing for us to say good-bye to this most treasured-ly detested, avoided, and quickest five breaths making pose, we know it is the most responsible path forward. We care deeply for the health and well-being of our practitioners, who can still twist themselves into knots and tempt death in a variety of other ways we haven’t gotten around to canceling yet. 

We are not offering refunds. We realize there is deeply valued hyper-ventilation, aversion and breaking down that you will miss when not performing this pose. As consolation, for the moment, other deeply cherished nervous-system f*cking poses such as dwi pada, kapotasana, and catching remain available for such needs. Crotch-shot forward poses remain, notably, up for grabs. 

This is a time of crisis as we struggle to take a practice built on personalized teaching, invasive applications of one’s own feet to one’s own @#%$ (i.e., Janu C), hands to the face, butt in someone else’s face, crotch to the world, hands to the eyeballs to gouge them out in frustration — the sheer enormity of moving this kind of deeply infectious practice online via ZOOM. It’s mind-boggling. There is widespread fear that when we bring our practices LIVE, our hair will just never look as good as Kino’s. 

Setu Bandhasana can only make this worse.

Rest assured that we are continually monitoring federal, state, local, authorized, hierarchical, lunar, Sharathian, astrological, internet trollian, and facebook home practitioner meme-generated guidance to understand how we can help minimize the spread of Covd-19, while trying to avoid unnecessary panic:

Setu Bandhasana must go. 

Indeed, we have reviewed all the guidelines and the roster of ashtanga poses from the most ridiculous to the most difficult to the most likely to induce panic, germs, licked fingers, an STD, fever or rash, and, Effective March 16, 2020, the pose Setu Bandhasana is canceled.

We apologize for the delayed notice, but figured you were still reeling from Instagram Live Yoga notifications on your phone to even bother rolling onto the crown of your head in a “part Vampire-in-the-coffin/ part Exorcist” pose that scares your dog into laundry room hiding. 

There is simply no amount of hand sanitizer to make this posture safe (and as we cannot recommend doing this pose slathered in aloe and essential oil — no matter how strong your pelvic floor — we must not do it at all). If you add a face mask, your dog might never recover from the fright.

Finally, social distance is next to impossible with Setu Bandhasana, as performance of it correlates to increased hospital, chiropractor, Shamanic healer and massage therapy visits. In order to encourage “stay at home,” suffice it to say you cannot be screwing around with a pose like this.

Coronavirus is enough of a pain in the neck on its own.

In order to truly practice social distance, and/or avoid death by slippery hand sanitizer, we may consider removing leg behind the head poses, stuff you’ve never heard of from third series, backbends you hate, Marichyasana D and Bandhas (specifically, the yelling or stating of the word “Bandhas” by people on the internet or teachers as the answer to everything), but while adding guilty pleasure “incorrect method” stuff you secretly adore– so please check for updates.

For the record, bandhas do not inoculate against COVID-19.

We hope that you and your ZOOM account stay well at this time, and again, with deep regret, inform that Setu Bandhasana is canceled until further notice.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

_____________

Featured Image:

Drawing by Zoe Ward aka @unrulyascetic
Photo by Dustin Ellison, Photographer.

People think I practice the yoga of NO. But I’ve found Ashtanga yoga to be the yoga of YES.

Yes: we believe you can, so we’re holding you here at this pose.

Yes: we’re not holding you back but giving you a chance to find your own way forward.

Yes: instead of saying “pass” we’re gonna say give it a try and let’s see what happens.

Yes: you can be you (and weird, too).

Yes: you can move at your own pace

Yes: breathe, yes please.

Yes: you will hit upon struggle, stuckness and you will face fear and yes you will fall and fall and fall and–

yes: you will grow until you stand up tall from a backbend.

Yes: You’ll get uncomfortable.

Yes, you will look un-instagrammably absurd and horribly inept sometimes and that is how you will say yes to evolving into something new.

Yes: dogmatic intransigent strictness is out, at least the teachers like that are.

Yes: Post-lineage practice is in.

Yes: You get to choose this practice, your teacher(s) and yourself. Yes, Carry your own headlamp.

Yes: you can laugh.

Yes: you’ll want to quit sometimes. Yes, you might. But maybe you won’t.

Yes: You need help sometimes– sometimes just a word, a hand, a smile, enough to help you find you cannot see or bring the present moment back into focus.

Yes: you have the power in you, so we’re going to help remind you that it’s there (and uh, if we don’t, if that teacher doesn’t– run)

Yes: you don’t have to go all in right away, but

Yes: it’s a commitment, and something changes when you practice daily so, well–

Yes: you’re worth it. Oh and….

Yes, okay there is one thing we say no to (at least I do) —

so yes there is a No here:

No bullshit.

(Inspired by Bobbie Armstrong’s funny mcsweeney’s piece) Growing up on Instagram yoga, my influencers always taught me one thing: Be hot. They also told me to follow my dreams, assuming I was naked in them. That if I changed my mind I could change the world, as long as I used hashtags. That I shouldn’t just stretch because I could also achieve world peace if I meditated on my head with mala beads, as long as my butt cheeks were visible. They added that it helps to be hot. And to show butt cheeks (already said, but it bears repeating). They’re kinda important.

Last month I was a miserable recent 200hr TT grad sweating my butt cheeks off in multiple classes a week telling people to roll up one bone spur at a time and other science-y words, the definitions of which I won’t even pretend to know. Also, I spent 4K on a teacher training only to get “a job” teaching for free, so I was forced to subsist on paleo GF snacks and coconut water scraps found in other people’s cubbies at the studio. But now? I couldn’t be happier selling and leading Yoga Teacher Trainer Trainings To Train Other People How To Teach Other People How To Teach Yoga (YTTTTYTYt™) along with yoga products that sound cool and are really expensive (like my exclusive Bramacharya™ pants)

When I told my friends I’d met in the YTT three weeks before that I was leaving to sell yoga teacher trainer trainings to instagram followers and emotional support animals, they were aghast. They asked lame questions like, “How are you going to pay for yoga pants?” and “How can you teach something you don’t even do and know next to nothing about and… wasn’t your first yoga class ever like three weeks ago on Day 1 of our YTT?” And also, “Emotional Support Hedgehogs don’t have butt cheeks, do they?”

Yo! Haven’t you learned anything from Instagram? Since when does anyone care if yoga teachers actually do any yoga? People just care if you’ve been trained to teach it, and if you can like do it (ish) on Instagram with visible butt cheeks. It doesn’t even matter who your teacher is, they just care that you attended some TT somewhere (even online!) And that you have butt cheeks.

Plus, I’m killin’ it. The yoga industry is this bazillion dollar thing, but that money goes to yoga pants, companies that make yoga pants, and Teacher Trainings or maybe yoga CEOS (all I know is doesn’t go to people who practice and teach yoga–duh, in that case, people would just practice and study and maybe teach yoga.) I always knew how lucrative the yoga world was for everyone aside from practitioners and plain old teachers but no one would listen to me because they stupidly wanted to spend time doing actual yoga and teaching actual humans (and not even on instagram!) for like negative dollars. Well, they can laugh all they want, getting paid lots of karma and zero bucks for donation classes and for all those pants they’re selling for the studio, because I just banked serious Venmo bucks selling diamond-encrusted vegan leopard print yoga mats with matching leopard print pants with signature paw print crotch to every single emotional support hedgehog team and custom BRAIN SCAN THERAPY user enrolled in my TTTTTYTYt™ Yoga Teacher Training Trainer Supreme.

I go to sleep every night knowing I am doing more good now that I ever would have with Doctors Without Borders.

My TTTTTYTYt™ are designed with the finest teaching materials sourced from google searches all over the internet and social media– even Tik Tok. There is no butt cheek-clad human or hedgehog I cannot make a teacher trainer out of. Or butt print pants for.

When I was first getting started, I felt so alone. I said to my mentor, the magnificent maker of custom spiked jump ropes for Crossfit trainers and accompanying Crossfit Coach Coaching Coacher Coachella Trainings, Spiky Meatyster, “What if the yoga people/hedgehogs don’t like my yoga teacher training trainer trainings and accompanying see-through vibrating lace yoga pants?”

Know what he said?

“You don’t need to ask people who practice yoga for their permission to be who you really are– or who you aren’t at all. Create the TTTTTYTYt™ to TRAIN OTHER PEOPLE TO TEACH OTHER PEOPLE HOW TO DO YOGA. The people/hedgehogs will come. Jade-encrusted yoga pants will help. Oh, and that you have a partner who will support you if this goes belly up. Oh — and butt cheeks.

Those are the words I live by. Today, I’m a millionaire. All from selling TTTTTYTYt™ to everyone and their emotional support hedgehogs (and peacocks now too) on Instagram for $9,637 along with 14K gold yoga pants outfitted with vibrating bluetooth sensor alignment (for 3 installment payments of $208. Each.)

Butt cheeks have been key.

Are you feeling burned out from teaching yoga? Broke from teaching for free or 20 classes a week and still not making enough to live? Do you wake up wishing you could spend your days doing something other than getting taken advantage of? Or perhaps you even wish you’d never have to do a downward dog or backbend again? Do you still wonder, what ANGLE SHOULD MY ELBOWS BE AT IN CHATTURANGA … Do you have butt cheeks?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, my TTTTTYTYt™ is for you! All you have to do? Stop practicing, studying and teaching yoga and just train other people how to train other people how to train people to teach other people how to do the yoga!!!!! For just a heap of CASH & likes, I will unfurl the secrets to training other teacher training trainers how to train other people how to train others how to teach yoga. Honestly, you’ll be so busy helping others teach others to “deepen their practice” that won’t have time to study or teach any yoga yourself again!

Alec Malasanadharma from Nosara, Costa Rica, just made his first $100k training yoga teacher training trainers how to teach other people to train other people to teach yoga with accompanying sea turtle mentorship program and jade-encrusted yoga pants and Astrological readings. Not having to practice or teach a gazillion classes everyday means all his “CERTIFIED TRAINING TRAINER” time is spent teaching other people how to teach other people how to do the yoga that he doesn’t do or teach anymore!

@YogaGirl7734952 from Kodiak, Alaska made $10k in her first month selling online yoga teacher trainer training seminars to arctic yoga teachers and an assortment of seals. She can finally afford to eat! Also, she’s so glad she’ll never have to use MindBody again.

Selena is making $1500 a day selling Instastory Yoga Teacher Training Trainer Program Bites to lots of people who just want to get their hands on her leather yoga pants with faux fur crotches. She’ll never worry about becoming an “advanced” yogi again– she just needs to look like it on instagram! What angle should her elbows should be at in chaturanga? Selena doesn’t care! She’s too busy teaching other people how to teach chatturanga on an Instastory to ever do it herself! “Phew! Thanks BSYogacheeks769, you’re a goddess!”

Why put off till tomorrow what you could do today?*

Xoxox,
@BSYogacheeks769

*Butt cheeks required

___

** This piece inspired by https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-turned-my-passion-into-my-dream-job-and-now-i-sell-small-hats-to-iguanas-on-instagram